Day 24

I am so tired.  I didn’t want to, but I’m going to skip my workout today.  I might do a couple laps around the house after my breakfast, but I won’t have the energy for much more.  I was stupid.  I got home at 6:30.  Instead of going right to bed and getting up at 1 (6.5 hours of sleep), I watched Biggest Loser reruns on Hulu.com until 9.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I know this is part of the reason why I’m over weight, and it has to stop.  Tonight I am dragging my ass to bed as soon as I get home.

On the flip side of the coin, I was so inspired by the people on that show, and it was only the second episode of the new season.  I’ve never watched Biggest Loser, though I caught the finale once when I was in high school.  I see two things when I look at those people:  I see the heartache I will face if I don’t change now.  And I see how strong and courageous I’ll have to be to make this change.  If these people can drop what I weighed at the beginning, I should be able to drop a mere 55 pounds.  And keep it off.  And for once be happy with my body.

I know I’ll never be a size 0.  Hell, I’ll never be a 4.  I know the best I can hope for is probably a 6.  This has nothing to do with how much I can lose, but with how I’m built.  I have wide hips and I’m barrel chested.  I didn’t understand this before, which I’m sure added to my illness.  I got to the point where I just couldn’t lose any more, and I was still 120 pounds and a size 7.  It pissed me off, confused the hell out of me, and I’m sure only made things worse.

I weighed 125 in this picture, and I thought I was huge.  All I could see where the bad parts: how my arms were flabby and my tummy had a little pouch.

I weight about the same in this picture as I do now (I was about 165, I believe), and this is what I never want again.  Forget the weight, forget the size, I never want another picture taken of me where I feel I have to put my arm over my stomach to try to hide it.

And finally, this is where I will never, ever be again.  I have no idea exactly what I weighed in this picture, as I stayed away from scales at all costs, but a few months later I signed up for the weight loss challenge at work for the first time.  And weighed in at 180.  I will never be there again.