Day 54

Weight:  152
BFP:  36.4%

*cue epic squeeing*  Five pounds!  I dropped five pounds last week!  That means I’ve lost 23 pounds while on Lose It! and 26 pounds over all!  This also means that I’ll almost definitely be at my birthday goal weight (150 by June 23), and that I’m only six pounds away from being half way to my goal!

Now that my celebrating is out of the way, I just want to say that I hate men.  Damn them and their high metabolisms.  Here I am, working out every day, eating 1300 calories and being very careful to stay within budget, and very excited that I’ve lost 26 pounds since the beginning of April.  And here’s my husband, going through 1000 more calories a day, going out and drinking beer every weekend, typically saying, “Well, I’m over my calories anyway,” at least once a week, and only walking with me a day or two a week.  How much has he lost?  28 pounds.  Grrr!  And, to make matters worse, he came out with me today when I did my C25K.  I finished the first day of week 3, thought I was going to die, but I did it.  Matt was cool as can been, barely breaking a sweat, asking, “We’re done running already?” when I was ready to keel over.  Then when we get close to home, he’s all, “I’m going to run home, do you mind?”  At which point I realized how much he was holding back for me.  *sigh*  I get home, and what’s he doing?  Jumping jacks!  I hardly had the energy to stand, and he’s still doing cardio!  Guh!  It almost makes me wonder if I should just repeat week 2 until it gets easy.  Or maybe stay on week 3 till that gets easy.  You know, that sounds like a plan.  Or maybe not till it’s easy, but at least till I can do it and not want to fall over in the middle of the park and wheeze.

It was odd, I was running along, on my last 3 minute bout, and I so wanted to stop.  But I sort of coach myself along.  Don’t stop.  Keep going.  You’ll be fine.  Just to that road sign.  Typically, that’s enough.  But today I wanted to stop.  But my little coaching voice, the one in my voice with Jillian Michaels’ personality, kept me going.  I kept telling myself, yes, you’re breathing heavy, but you’re not into the danger zone yet.  You can still breathe without much issue.  And yes, your legs hurt, but it’s the muscles, not the joints, so that’s to be expected, not anything to worry about.  And that helped.  I just hope it’s enough to get me through the rest of the week.

Day 53

So I ended up calling in yesterday.  I thought I’d be fine, but when I stood up to start getting ready, I got sick again.  So I’ll probably get a write-up, since I didn’t give them two hours notice.  Oh well.  I was talking to one of my friends who’s a nurse, and she thinks it might be because I ate the Luna bar before working out, something similar to eating a big meal before swimming.  So I now know that’s a no go.

I didn’t work out today, didn’t think I was up to it.  So instead I counted my housework as my exercise today.  Cheating, I know, but I’m not worried about it.

I wish I had today off.  There’s a Star Wars marathon on Spike I’d love to watch.  It's days like today I wish I had a treadmill in my living room.  I could watch one movie on the couch, then next walking on the treadmill.  Matt is saving up for one for us (all my money is being saved for my new wardrobe), and he thinks we’ll have a treadmill and the home gym by January.  By then I should be at my goal weight, but still, they should help with maintenance.

Day 52

*moans*  I just learned a valuable lesson.  I should not eat a Luna Protein bar, then go on a 4 mile walk while drinking half a liter of water.  I got home and promptly proceeded to get very sick.  And this time it wasn’t of my own doing.  I’m debating calling in, I’m so drained.  Figures that ten minutes of throwing up would make me sweat more than an hour and a half of walking.  And I still feel like I might be sick again.  Bleh.

Like I’ve said, I’m a huge, whiny baby when I’m sick.

I bought the Jillian Michaels Yoga Slim Down DVD last night.  I like to watch my workout videos before I do them, that way I have an idea of what’s coming, if I am fit enough to do the exercises, and what modifications I may need.  So here I am, watching Jillian push these two girls through some pretty difficult looking yoga poses, sitting on the couch and eating.  Granted, I was eating a salad, but still.

So as I’m watching this DVD, I’m thinking it looks like what I’ve read about Hot Yoga, just not in a hot room.  As I was thinking this, I got a light bulb moment:  I can create my own hot yoga setting.  My house gets very hot during the summer, so I was thinking if I shut my office door and close the window, it would get very warm in there in no time.  Pop this new DVD in my laptop, and presto, I have my own version of Hot Yoga.  I’d go take a class, but general yoga classes are hard to come by in this area, forget specialty ones.

I was listening to one of Jillian’s podcasts on my iPod when I was walking today, and she mentioned how she was 5’2” 120lbs.  I’m the same height and want to be the same weight, so it gives me a good visual about what I might be able to reach.  Granted, I know that even at the same height, we might not look the same at the same weight.  I’m built wide:  barrel chested, wide hips, broad shoulders, even thin I’m still going to be a bigger girl.  But it’s nice to have a frame of reference like that.

Day 51

So today I was finally able to continue my C25K program.  Didn’t think I’d make it through a couple spots, but I did.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to do week three yet, but I’m going to try Monday.  I figure if I can’t make it through the first three minute bout, I’ll just switch back to week two and do it over.  No need to risk dying of an asthma attack in the middle of some back road, right?

I bought new running shoes yesterday.  I really like them; they’re nice and comfy and have lots of orange and silver accents.  They’re a brand I’d never heard of, Ryka.  Based on what the box and the site says, the whole company is focused solely on a woman’s shoe needs.  They were more comfortable than my two year old New Balances.  I’ll give a more complete review in a couple weeks.

The thing that disappointed me was that no one seemed to know anything about the Nike+ system.  I kind of wanted to get that this time around so I could start using it, but as I didn’t get a Nike+ shoe, it’s a no go.  I was wondering if maybe I could still use the little sensor in my shoe (not a very big Nike fan), but it’s looking like that’s not going to work either.  It fits in place in a little hole under the insert of the compatible shoes.  It looks thin enough that at first I thought I could just tape it in place or something, but my luck I’d have a Princess and the Pea situation.  Matt suggested maybe cutting a piece out of the sole of the shoe I have, but I don’t know enough about how shoes work to be willing to risk that.  I mean, I know I could do it, but what if it compromises how the shoe works?  *sigh*  So, it looks like next time I buy a running shoe (which according to the sales lady will be sometime within 3-6 months), I’m going to be getting Nike if I want to use this damned program on my iPod.  Who knows, maybe I’ll end up liking the shoe.

I didn’t get the bank job.  The interview yesterday went well, and the guy seemed impressed with my experience, but they’d already filled the position.  He did say that he was going to look at the other branches in my area and see if he can get me a face to face interview in the next couple of weeks.  There is another opening at a branch near Albany, but that’s an hour drive.  And it’s in a store, so it’s open late and on weekends and most holidays.  Bleh.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though.  For example, five years ago, Matt was in a serious relationship.  He loved this chick, but she was kind of a bitch.  Totally broke his heart one day in May.  So, heartbroken and depressed, he made his way to the local gas station for junk food to try to ease the pain, and met me.  The start of our friendship (which led to our relationship then marriage), was the two of us venting about past relationships and how our exes sucked. 

So maybe I haven’t been getting these full time jobs for a reason.  I opened my schedule at work back up (since I wasn’t finding a second job either), and I’m hoping that I’ll start to get more hours since half our store is leaving.  And in the fall, since I’m still working at the store, I’ll have time to audit a couple classes at the local college.  I’m thinking I’m going to check out a couple Nutrition classes.  I’ve been having such a great time with this whole weight loss thing, researching how it works and what I’m supposed to be getting nutrient wise, then using that information to help not only Matt, but some people at work too.  I think being a RD is something I could not only do, but enjoy doing.  I looked at the course program online, and it’s heavy in nutrition courses (obviously), but also in Bio and Chem.  I aced both those classes in high school, and got an A when I took a college level Bio class in high school.

Day 50

It’s hard to believe I’ve stuck with this for 50 days already.  Last time I only made it half way through week 7, maybe 45 days, so already I’ve made it five days farther.  And I’ve no thought to stopping any time soon.

I’m so tired right now.  I think it may be because I’m running on a little less than 6.5 hours of sleep.  I’d have slept longer, but I had to take Matt into work today so I could have the car.  Maybe I’ll take a cat nap later today.

I think I may be allergic to my sunscreen.  I have this funky rash looking thing going on around the inside of my one elbow and around my neck.  Does anyone know a good, hypoallergenic sunscreen?

So, today’s my phone interview for the bank.  It would be so great to get this job.  No more stressing over money issues (okay, not as much stressing), a fairly steady work schedule, no more working major holidays.  *sigh*  I might just end up getting spoiled.  I really hope I get this job.  Everyone wish me luck!

Day 49

First things first, I want to talk about Biggest Loser.  Way to go Michael!  He’s under 300 pounds!  And did you see how great he looks?  And how he bounded up and down those stairs?  I may think he’s a bit of an idiot, but I think he did great.  They all did.  I’m happy Daris found a girlfriend (though I worry she might have been with him for the wrong reasons), and Ashley has become one hot momma!  Whoot!  Nerd that I am, I ran the numbers when Koli got on the scale, and had America voted to keep him in the final 3, he would have won the show.  I hope that he keeps it off.

So I didn’t get either of the jobs I applied for at the store, but I think the girls who did are very deserving, so I’m not bitter.  However, if my boss passes me over again for being trained for the morning cash office work for someone who’s less qualified, I will be.  I do have a rescheduled phone interview for the bank tomorrow morning, so that’s good.  Wish me luck!

Yesterday I wore the shirt.  On your year anniversary at the store I work at, a few things happen.  You have to do an hour of OSHA training on the computer, you get a raise (if you got good performance reviews), and you get a new shirt.  Since working there, I’ve worn a medium.  The sizes run large, though, so it’s more like a large.  Well, my anniversary was this month, and I did all my stuff at the beginning of the month.  And when they asked me what size shirt I needed, I said small.  I figured I’m losing weight, I might as well.  Well, every Tuesday (the beginning of my week), I’ve put that damned thing on, looked at myself in the mirror, and took it right back off.  But yesterday?  Yesterday I wore it.  ^.^  No one said anything about it (the girl who’s been trying to get me to wear it works with me Saturday, so I expect I’ll hear something then), but I did get a lot of looks.  And since yesterday, Matt keeps looking at me and mumbling, “You are looking thin.”  Yay!

One more bit of happy news.  I come from a long line of ass-less women.  Somehow we’ve all managed to be over weight, yet still have a straight line from our back to our thighs.  Until now.  Yesterday I looked in the mirror and noticed that I have a butt!  It’s just a little bit of lift and definition, but it’s there!  Matt, being a tush man, is very excited.

Day 48

So, my interview went kind of well yesterday.  They said they’ll know between today and tomorrow.  I doubt I get either position, but who knows, right?

After my interview, Matt and I went to the store to pick up a few things.  I wanted to grab a new work out outfit, seeing as I only have a few that don’t fall off me any more.  So I was poking through the pants, and the only pair that I could find that I liked was a Medium (8/10).  I typically have to buy Large, but I figured I’d try them on.  Couldn’t hurt, right?  Well, they fit.  Very nicely.  ^.^  I knew all my size 12s were falling off me, but I didn’t think I was down to an 8/10.  So that made me very happy.

I have a little mini goal that I decided on today.  I would like to weigh 150 by my birthday (June 23).  It’s just over four weeks away, but I think I can do it.

I was up rather late last night checking out the Wii Fit Plus online.  I think it’s something I really want.  Matt and I have been talking about investing in one, and also getting a treadmill and some sort of home gym weight-lifty thing (sort of like a Bowflex, but cheaper).  It’s stuff to look into, and like Matt said, we live in upstate NY, the weather isn’t always nice and we won’t always be able to go out for walks.  Add to that that we live a good deal away from the closest gym, and it just makes sense to get things to keep at home.

Day 47

Weight: 157
BFP: 37.2%

So yesterday was fun.  I worked in the morning, and when I got home, Matt and I went for a bike ride.  We’ve been kicking around buying bikes, so we borrowed his grandparents’ bikes to see if it was something we were interested in.  It was fun, but I do not like the hills.  From either direction.  And as we live in upstate NY, we have lots of hills.  When we got home, Matt suggested we go to the driving range.  I’d never been, and I never even got close to hitting a good shot, but it was fun.  After that we got subs from Subway and ate in the park.  And to top the day off, we went for a four mile walk when we got home.

I might have an interview at work today.  Everyone else was talking about how they got their interviews already, and how they would know for sure today who got what job, and I was wondering why I didn’t get an interview.  I mean, this guy I work with got an interview, and he’s an idiot.  So today when I got home from my walk, there was a message on my machine from my boss, telling me she called the HR specialist, who never got my application or my resume, and if I’d like an interview, I can call and set one up for today.  So fingers crossed.

Day 46

So my baby brother graduated from college yesterday.  With honors.  I am so proud of him!

So I woke up this morning and ran around like a crazy woman because I woke up an hour late.  I wasn’t going to blog, and I wasn’t going to do much of anything but run around with one leg in my pants, trying to brush my teeth and pull my hair back all at once.  Then, when I was getting ready to walk out the door, I noticed I don’t have to be to work at 9, I have to be there at 9:30.  So I have a half an hour to kill. 

Matt and I are talking about taking up kayaking.  Obviously, we’d have to go somewhere for instruction, and I’m sure we’d want to rent them for a few runs before we bought our own, but we think it’d be fun.  And already he’s talking about maybe next summer (if we like the kayaks), packing our crap in the truck, borrowing his friend’s pop up camper, and taking that, the kayaks, and our bikes up to the Adirondacks for a weekend.  For those of you who have not been up there, it is amazing.  A few years ago some friends and I hiked to the top of this rock that looked out over the Hudson River Valley, and it was so beautiful.  Just how far out you could see, I actually thought the Hudson was part of the skyline.

If you haven’t voted for Daris yet, please go do so!  You can vote 10 times online (not sure if that’s per IP or per email address), and three times per phone number.  Please vote!

Day 45

Matt joined me on my walk today.  We didn’t go very far, only just over 2 miles, and we had to go slow because we were talking and I still can’t breathe well, but it was nice.  Afterwards he was trying to lift his weights, and I showed him some focused exercises to do.  He was lifting 20 pounds an arm, and the reps he was doing seemed fairly easy for him.  But once he started the ones I showed him, he had to take five pounds off each weight.  It was nice helping him with that.  I’m wondering more and more if this is something I’d like to do as a career.

So yesterday I was happy with myself.  Matt and I have been seeing those commercials for that Double Down sandwich at KFC.  I looked it up online, and it would have been well within my calories yesterday.  So he and I went and ordered one each.  I was thinking chicken, not so bad, right?  I forgot that they fry it.  I saw all the grease and was so grossed out.  I could only manage two small bites.  It was disgusting.  I handed mine to Matt, drank my water, and made myself a salmon wrap with spinach, broccoli sprouts, and hummus when I got home.  Much yummier.  But the thing is, that was the type of food I’d typically eat and enjoy.  And it wasn’t like before where I got thinking about the calories and was turned off, or didn’t eat it because I thought I shouldn’t, I did not appeal to me in any way.  So even though I bought the unhealthy sandwich, I still see it as a win.  I figure I’m going to have to relearn what I do and don’t like somehow.  Now I’m wondering if I’d even like the Big Mac if I got one.

I was telling Matt yesterday how I wish the same thing that’s happening with other foods would happen with sweets.  If I could wake up tomorrow and be turned off by ice cream and cakes and cookies, that would be simply splendid.  Because that is my huge weakness.

My birthday’s in just over a month, and I want a cupcake sooo badly.  Not even a whole cake, I would be happy just going to the store and buying two cupcakes, one for Matt and one for myself.  I’m sure I could fit it in my budget (they seem to run about 200 calories each), but it almost feels like I’m rewarding myself with food again, and I feel guilty about that.  Bleh, I don’t know.  I have a month to work out my feelings on that.

Day 44

So that thing I bought that goes around your arm and is supposed to hold your iPod?  Yeah, it’s so going back.  It was either falling off or it was too uncomfortable to wear, there was no in between.  Oh well.  Looks like I’m getting the wrist weights.

I was going to run today, but I couldn’t even make it through my warm ups without stopping, so I just walked instead.  I had to make a conscious effort to keep my pace slow, but otherwise I made it through with little issue.  It was a beautiful day for a walk, and I’m very tempted to go out again.  I don’t want to push myself too far, though.

I don’t know if I’ll run next week either.  I’m almost wondering if I should start the program over when I am able to get back to it.  Though I’ve no idea when that might even be.  A woman I work with suggested last night that I might have bronchitis, and I hope she’s wrong.  I mean, it wouldn’t be abnormal for me, I typically come down with bronchitis once a year, and I skipped this year.  Of course, I was hoping that my dance with tonsillitis would have granted me that pass.  Here’s hoping.  Whatever it is, I hope it’s gone soon.  I really don’t want to have to go to the doctor.

Day 43

I’m still sick.  This is getting ridiculous.  It’s been almost a week.  Does anyone have any tips or tricks to make you get better faster?  I’m taking Day/Nightquil, my daily vitamin, extra vitamin C, extra fruits and veggies and lots of water. 

I tried to do this new yoga thing this morning, and it was nuts.  I don’t think I sweat that much during my cardio routines.  I liked it, but it wasn’t what I was going for when I chose a yoga routine off the Exercise TV channel this morning.  I think I’ll try it again when I’m feeling better.

For anyone who’s been watching The Biggest Loser, Daris fell below the yellow line with a two pound weight gain.  I’m rather fond of Daris (truth be told, I have a little crush on him), and I want to see him have his chance.  He’s worked so hard, and he made a mistake.  Poor kid was under a lot of stress, makes sense.  He has to learn how to over come that.  Koli, on the other hand, ran from his old life.  I’m afraid he’s going to be another of those who leave the show and gains his weight back.  So I plead with everyone to go here and vote for Daris.  Please and thank you.  ^.^

Day 42

I just had a long post done up, complete with measurements, and my computer ate it.  I think I swore loudly enough for the neighbors to hear.  And there goes all the relaxing feelings from the yoga I did this morning.

Anywho, today was measurement day.  I last measured myself a month ago, so I thought now would be a good time to retake them, see what’s changed.

Chest:  40.5”
Waist:  35.5”
Hips:  39”
Thigh:  21.75”
Bicep:  12.5”

So that’s 2 inches from my chest, 2 from my waist, 2.5 from my hips, and .5 from both my thigh and my bicep, for a grand total of 7.5 inches lost over this past month.  I was very surprised by how much I lost.  I mean, I’ve lost 20 pounds, I know I had to have lost inches somewhere, but I didn’t realize it would be that many, you know?

So yesterday went well, as well as a funeral can go, I guess.  Afterwards I got to hang out with my brother and cousins (I hadn’t seen my cousins in years).  I’ve always been the only girl, and growing up I used to try to keep up with them with eating (probably part of what got me into this situation).  So when my brother told me he was ordering Philly Cheese Steak pizza, I think everyone was surprised when I bowed out.  I was made fun of for counting calories, but when I pointed out that there were at least 1000 calories in each slice, they stopped teasing.  I was worried I’d cave and eat a slice at first (I love Philly Cheese Steak), but when I saw it…yeah, nothing to worry about.  It looked gross.  I’m sure it’s something I would have eaten before, but now…ew.

I’m still sick (did I mention it takes me forever to get over colds?), but I am feeling better.  I did an hour of yoga this morning, as I didn’t think I could handle anything more involved.  I was going to run, but I think I’m going to wait until Friday to run.  I’m on the last day of week 2, and this way I can get on a MWF schedule, with Monday being the first day of the new week.  I’m kind of anal about things like that.

Since I’m doing my rewards based on what I’ve lost total, not what I’ve lost while on Lose It!, I bought myself my 20lb reward yesterday.  I got one of those things that straps around your arm and holds your iPod when you run.  It even has a little pocket where I can store some cash, in case I need water NOW.  I know I’ve completely deviated from my original rewards list, but as I’ve gone along, I’ve found I want different things more. 

Day 41

I was able to do a little yoga today, which surprised me.  I really thought all the hanging upside down (or at least bent over) would be the end of me, but apparently not.  I think I’d like to invest in some yoga work out DVDs.  It seems to be something I like.

Today’s going to be an emotionally stressful one.  My great-aunt’s funeral is today.  She passed about two months ago while she, my grandfather, and my grandmother were down in Florida.  They wanted to wait to have the service until they were back in New York, mainly because the family is up here.  Also, I just found out that my mother will be there (something I expected, she knew Mary F years longer than the rest of us).  I haven’t been around my mother in four years.  I don’t want drama, especially not at a funeral, and a part of me wonders if I should just not go, just to make sure that nothing goes down.  My plan is to just ignore her, to stay as far away as possible while still letting my grandfather and grandmother know that I love them and am there, but I can’t be sure as to what she will do.  A part of me wants to just stay stuck to my dad and step-mom, but I’m afraid that’ll cause a different kind of drama later on.  Gah!  On the one hand, I really want to use my illness to beg out of today, pay my respects on my own, because I’m sure Mary F (and my grandparents) would understand.  On the other, I don’t want to have to run from family events (the good and the bad) for the rest of my life just because I’m afraid my mother will make a scene.

So, on top of all this mess, there’s the reception, where there’s bound to be food I shouldn’t be eating, and my brother, my cousins, and myself are going bowling later tonight.  I’m an emotional eater.  And I’m so afraid I’m going to blow my diet to hell and back at one or both places.  Although, with my nerves as they are, I feel too sick to eat.  Maybe that’ll work in my favor.

Day 40

Weight: 158
BFP: 37.2%

I didn’t do much yesterday.  I tried to do the dishes before supper (as I hadn’t had the energy to wash them as I went along during the day, as I usually do), and I just couldn’t do it.  I’d wash a dish, stand there and pant, wash another, pant, and on it went for a half an hour.  My husband found me sitting on the floor, completely out of energy just from trying to wash a few cups, a couple plates, and a handful of silverware.  He put me to bed and finished up.  So, since it lasted more than a half an hour and made me breathe heavily, and seeing as I was sick, I counted that as my moderate exercise for the day.  Cheating, I know, but I felt like crap.

I still feel icky today, but not as bad.  I’m debating whether or not I should expend what energy I have on attempting my C25K training, since I missed it yesterday.  Probably not a good idea.  I want to do something, though.  I spent all day yesterday in bed, and it sucked.  I know I was sick and that I really couldn’t do anything, but I wanted to be moving.  It felt wrong to just lay in bed all day and sleep.  Big progress from just a few months ago, when all I did was lay in bed all day.

The upshot of being sick?  I’ve been drinking a lot of water.  ^.^  Always try to find the positive, right?

Day 39

*moans*  I feel…well, a lot of words and phrases come to mind, none of them suitable for public usage.  Let’s just say I feel icky and leave it at that.  It started last night.  I kept sneezing, and I kept telling the girl I was working with that it was crazy how thirsty I was.  I’d take a power chug, but as soon as I swallowed, my throat started burning again like I was parched.  She suggested diabetes, which scared the hell out of me, even though I’ve always tested on the low side of normal, even after food.  See, my great grandmother died of diabetes, and my grandmother, aunt, and mother all have it.  Avoiding diabetes is one of the many reasons I decided to turn my life around.

So I’m going along, trying to do my work, trying to figure out why I’m so thirsty as I sneeze and have trouble focusing.  Around eight I looked quickly over my shoulder and about fell over; it felt like the room tipped on its side.  My first thought was if I had eaten enough.  But then it hit me:  I wasn’t thirsty, my throat was sore.  Insert rather nasty cuss word here.

This just doesn’t make sense to me.  I mean, aren’t people who eat right and take a daily vitamin supposed to have better immune systems?  I know this won’t mess with the food aspect of my diet, but the last thing I feel like doing is going out for a run.  Granted, I wasn’t going to go this morning anyway (I would have had to have gotten up at 3am), but I was going to go in the afternoon.  I don’t think I could even manage Pilates today.

I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed with a nice hot cup of lemon tea, but the new kid they have working overnights apparently doesn’t know that when a phone rings, you’re supposed to pick it up.  So I’ll go in, tell them I’m only there until the next Express comes in, then come home.  To crawl into bed and die.

Sorry, I turn into a whiny baby (edited) when I’m sick.

Day 38

So yesterday I started making smoothies.  The first batch was a little runny, but I think I fixed that this morning.  Here’s the recipe I did up, makes two servings, 146 calories:

1/2 cup each:
strawberries
blueberries
blackberries
raspberries
12oz light yogurt
1 cup juice (I used the Ocean Spray Diet Blueberry for 5 calories a cup)

Blend and pour.

It was kind of neat yesterday.  Matt was getting ready, and he asked me to check that he got his sideburns even.  So I go to even them out for him, and he places his hands on my hips.  Just something he’s always done.  Only this time he said “Woh,” pulled back and looked down, like he was checking to see that he had grabbed the right spot.  It made me smile.

I spent much of yesterday adding pictures to my little how I got here page.  It was rather depressing, actually seeing the way my weight has gone up and down.  I’ve never laid the pictures out and looked at them like that.  I mean, I’d look and say, “Oh look how skinny I used to be,” but I never really put it together.

My interview yesterday never happened.  I got an email from the guy later in the day (it was sent out four minutes after the interview was supposed to start) that he had a scheduling conflict.  But he said he’s “very much so interested” in speaking with me, so that’s good, right?

Day 37

Day 2, week 2 complete!  I have to push myself, be very stern and tell myself to keep going, I can stop running when the little man says, just make it to that tree up ahead, but I still did it.  I’m a little worried about Tuesday.  I think running for three minutes will be difficult, but I’ll push through it.  If it’s something I can’t do, I’ll just repeat week 2.

So I’ve heard back from the bank I applied at, but not from Home Depot.  Funny, I thought it would be the other way around.  I have a phone interview with the bank today, and I hope it goes well.  Having a full time, nine to five type job would take so much stress off of me right now, and stress is never a good thing for weight loss.  I think I’d still stay at the store on weekends, though.  One, if the bank doesn’t work out, it will be easier to get back into my old schedule if I never left.  And two, I really want to win this weight loss/wellness challenge.  And I can only do that if I’m still an employee.

I’m starting to think that I won’t be able to reach my current goal weight (120lbs), at least not while staying healthy.  I ran the numbers again (like I said, nerd), and at my current body composition, if I were to click my fingers and make every ounce of fat disappear, I’d weigh 101.1lbs.  A low healthy BFP for women 20-39 is 21%.  So if my math is correct, and assuming that I could then click back on a healthy amount of fat, that would put me at 128lbs.  However, if my muscle mass goes up (which it probably will), that number will go up as well.  I’ll see how things look when I get closer, but it looks like my end weight is going to be around 130.  Sadly, that number still makes me cringe.  Obviously, that’s something I still need to work on.  I just want to be healthy, above all else.  I want to get my BFP down to a healthy range and I want to feel better.  I’ll have to come to terms with whatever number is on the scale when that happens.

I spent most of yesterday writing down how I got to this point in my life.  I figured as this blog is focused on my journey to take the weight off, it would be beneficial for me to spend some time on how the weight got there to begin with.  It was rather eye opening.  It’s under the page “The whys of it all” at the top.  Really, it’s just for me, and it’s long as hell, but feel free to read if you want to kill some time.

Day 36

So last night I fiddled with the blog some.  I added a page where I’m going to be keeping the video blogs I’ve done (it won’t let me load up the second one, though, because it’s too long).  I’m debating adding a page where I keep the weekly numbers (what I’ve lost in pounds and how that translates into what I’ve lost in fat) and one touching on how I got to this point, with pictures.  This would all be for me, just so I have a one stop shop to keep all this stuff, but ya’ll are free to look through it.

I found a new way to burn off some stress that I’m pretty sure burns off some calories as well.  I’m always tapping out some rhythm, left over from my choir days, I think.  Well, this morning I went beyond tapping, to the point were I was pretty much slapping the crap out of the surface of my desk, and stomping a beat along to it.  Smarted my palms, made one hell of a noise, and made everything on my desk jump, but I feel better.

Today I drove around the roads that I walk.  I have three ways that I usually take, but as I don’t have a reliable pedometer, I had no idea how long they were.  Now I know.  The route that takes me through the park (the one I’ve been going most often) is 2.1 miles.  The one that takes me up past the school is 2.6 miles.  And the long one that takes me down by the lake is 4 miles even.  I really thought they were all much longer, but maybe that’s because I live in a very hilly town.

Day 35

So I finished day 1, week 2 of my C25K training today.  Yay me.  I forgot my braces, though, and my knee started bugging me a bit towards the end.  So Thursday I must remember the braces.

I noticed my stretches are getting easier today.  Hopefully that means I’ll start to build longer muscles instead of bulkier ones.  I want my thighs to be long and lean, not the size of Paris Hilton’s waist.  *sigh*

So, I’ve been thinking about how I want to change not just my body, but my life during this whole thing.  I started with rearranging the rooms.  I’ve been complaining for years that I don’t like the way things are laid out.  But did I ever do anything to change it?  Nope.  Now I have, and I’m much happier.  There are other things I want to change too that I’d like to work on.

I want to get back to school.  I had to drop out of college four years ago when my mum refused to provide me with her FAFSA information, leaving me without funding.  Since then I’ve tried to get back into school three times, but have never been able to get enough funding.  Then last year I realized I’ve no idea what the hell I want to do with my life.  Ideally, I’d love to write, but that’s like saying, “Oh, I want to be an actress.”  And while I have noticed that my writing gets better with every English class I take, it doesn’t make sense for me to spend thousands of dollars on an education that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to use.  But last night I came up with a solution.  Starting in the fall, I’m going to start auditing classes.  I’ll pick a wide variety, sit in on them, take the tests, do the homework, etc, so I can see what interests me most.  And I won’t have to pay for it.  True, I’d just have to take the classes over again when I decide what I want to go for, but this just seems to make the most sense to me.

Another thing I’d like to work on is lending some balance to my life.  I’ve always been the type of person that I give everything I have to whatever holds my focus at the time, and everything else suffers.  That’s what’s going on right now; my life is circling around getting fit.  I need to learn how to balance things out, because until I do, I still won’t be healthy.  I’m just a little nervous to start introducing things in right at the moment.  A part of me is worried that I won’t be able to divide my focus, and it will be my health that suffers.  So I’ll wait until I try to work something else in.

Day 34

So I survived yesterday! We went to Uno’s, and I scoured the menu. I wanted to order something that would be healthy and within my calorie limits, but that I’d actually enjoy as well. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve ordered the lowest calorie thing on the menu because I thought I had to, then binged later on. So I got this baked, stuffed chicken breast with the steamed broccoli and brown rice, asked for a box, and the first thing I did was send half the chicken and half the rice into the box. I only got about a cup of broccoli, so I ate that. I logged it all into Lose It! and apparently what I ate was approx 399 calories, which was well within my budget. So yay me! I did buy a chocolate chip cookie on the way home, but I’m okay with that. It fit in my budget, and I thought I’d have the entire thing gone before we got out of that town, but I could only eat half of it then. I ate the other half after dinner.

What kind of sucked was I was asking the waitress different things, and my grandma pipes up with “she’s counting her calories.” *sigh* This is something that both grandmothers and my mother have a bad habit of doing, and I have to learn to start dealing with it. It was embarrassing as hell, especially as the waitress was very slim and pretty, but really, it doesn’t matter.

On the up side, my grandmother greeted me, “Hey, skinny!” ^.^

And becuase I'm a nerd, I figured out the numbers of my weight loss. Here's what I've gotten, based on the numbers off my scale:

Week 1: 178lbs, 40.5%BFP, 72.1lbs of fat
Week 2: 168lbs, 38.7%BFP, 64.5lbs of fat (7.6lbs of fat lost)
Week 3: 164lbs, 38.7%BFP, 63.5lbs of fat (1lb of fat lost)
Week 4: 162lbs, 38.7%BFP, 62.7lbs of fat (.8lbs of fat lost)
Week 5: 161lbs, 37.2%BFP, 59.9lbs of fat (2.8lbs of fat lost)

Looking at the numbers like that makes me realize not only that I've done well these past few weeks, but that I still have a lot farther to go.

To date I've lost 17 pounds. 12.2 pounds of that has been fat. Making 71.8% of my weight loss fat. Not exactly the 75/25 ratio I should be aiming for, but pretty damned close.

Day 33

Weight: 161
BFP: 37.2%

So I only lost one pound, but I lost 1.5% of my body fat, so yay!  I really wanted to see a bigger weight loss number, but as long as I’m still losing, that’s all that matters.  And I’m hoping it might not have been as big a number as I was hoping for because I’ve started gaining muscle.  I read somewhere that when the average person is working out on a daily basis, they can gain about a pound of muscle a week.

As soon as I’m done here, I have to go get ready to go see my grandma.  I’m kind of worried.  Matt keeps saying not to worry about it, just don’t write things down today.  But that’s what got me last time.  One day of not writing things down led to another, and another, until I completely fell off track.  First he was talking about going to the Chinese buffet, and my first thought was, “Ah hell.”  Seriously, what is there at a Chinese buffet that’s low cal?  And I love Chinese food.  Now he’s talking about Uno’s.  *sigh*  I’ll just have to do the best I can.  And ask the waiter to bring a box right off the bat.  Because if I don’t set at least half the meal aside right away and get it out of my sight, I’ll clear the plate.  I have a bad habit that if food’s in front of me, even if I’m not hungry, I’ll munch.  I won’t even realize I’m doing it.

So I finished my first week of the C25K program today.  It was not easy.  There were a couple times where I was ready to run longer, and I was like, “Okay, isn’t it time to run yet?” while I was walking, but there were also times when I had to tell myself that yes, I could do this, and I was going to run until the little guy said otherwise. 

I had a couple moments I was proud of last night.  I was standing in front of the doughnut display at work, ogling the apple filled doughnuts.  I wanted one soooo badly.  I even went so far as to enter it into Lose It!  It fit within my daily limits, and it looked so yummy up there, with it’s cinnamon and sugar coating and promise of sweet apple goodness inside.  But as I was standing there, staring up at the thing like an idiot (thank god the store was almost empty), I realized that while I had the 298 calories to spend, there was so much else I’d rather spend it on.  I could have a bowl of strawberries and a piece of dark chocolate when I got home (130 calories), or a salad with my soup I was planning for dinner.  Hell, I could have both!  So I walked away, without the doughnut. 

Then I had to go to Wal-Mart.  I’ve been craving a Big Mac for ages.  Not even a whole one, I’d be happy to cut it in half and split it with Matt.  And on the drive over to Wal-Mart, I got thinking about the Mac Snack Wrap.  I was doing the math in my head:  a tortilla is 150 calories, there’s probably about 10 calories with the lettuce and onion.  How many calories could there be in the hamburger and special sauce?  Apparently 170, as the whole thing is 330.  So as I was walking into Wal-Mart, I told myself that I’d just go into McDonalds and ask for the calories, that way I’d be informed.  Can’t hurt to ask, right?  So I did.  And I walked out.  Without the snack wrap.  I was so proud of myself.

Day 32

I forgot this morning that I was going to start weighing myself on Sundays for this challenge.  I’ve already eaten and drank about two bottles of water today, so I’ll just weigh myself tomorrow, and next week start doing it on Sundays.

So Matt and I are going to go see my grandmother and step-mom tomorrow (a late Mother’s Day visit), and I’m worried about the food issue.  I haven’t yet had to eat something away from home that I didn’t prepare.  How is it going to look, “Oh, I’m sorry, just give me a second, could you?  I just have to look up the calories of everything so I know what I can eat.  Thanks.  Oh, and I’ll need some measuring cups too, if you have them.”  I’m sure they’ll understand, but still.  At least the visit’s at the beginning of the week, that way if I go over, I have the rest of the week to push myself over it.

So the store I work at is opening a new branch just over the hill from me.  The HR specialist told a few people who called about it that she was hiring from our store first, since we were closest and we had the largest percentage of people who’d been with the company for a while who were interested.  They just posted a few of the positions Wednesday, and I applied for three.  I think I only have a chance of getting maybe one of those, Front End Supervisor.  I pays more than Lead Customer Service Clerk, but I want the LCSC job more.  I hate front end.  True, if I was FES, I wouldn’t be on register much, but I’m not too fond of supervising either.  I either have to stand out front and queue customers, or bag, I can’t do both because I’m too short to see over the registers.  *sigh*  I was talking to one of the guys last night, and we think that our LCSC is going to be leaving the store for one of two jobs.  If she does, than L (my main competition for the LCSC job) would take her job, leaving the position in the new store open.  I’m the next qualified person, and everyone thinks that I’d get it if L wasn’t going for it.

I’m trying not to stress over this, because I know that stressing will just make me retain weight, but it’s sort of hard not to.  I mean, I need full time.  I really don’t want to have to go elsewhere, since I have insurance and benefits already.  Not to mention that I already have four years with the company.  I’d try to get by on the extra time I’d get from everyone being gone (we’re going to lose at least three people from the office alone), but that still wouldn’t be enough.  Part of me wonders if I should drop my insurance so I can have that extra $80 a week, but if I do that, I’m not guaranteed 20 hours a week.  And there are people who are only getting between 8 and 10 hours a week.  Which would screw me even more.

I need to relax.  I need to stop stressing.  I need to just put my applications in, take a deep breath, and admit that it’s out of my hands at that point and there’s nothing more I can do about it.  If I’m meant to get one of the full time jobs, I will.  If not, I won’t.  There’s nothing more I can do about it.

Day 31

Something about hearing that little voice say, “Work out complete” just makes me grin like a damned fool.  It doesn’t matter that my legs feel like they’re going to fall off, or that it feels like I’m breathing in gasoline, that I’ve finished another day just makes me so happy.  And I did walking stretches I found online before I left (practically a work out of their own), then did some other stretches, some yoga, and some Pilates when I got home, so my muscles don’t hurt as much.  I’m hoping that after a while I won’t need to do so much (between the stretching, the run, and everything else, it was an hour and a half).

I made the quiche last night.  It came out to be 156 calories a serving.  The next lowest calorie recipe I found was 317, and it hardly had anything in it.  I still want to tweak the recipe some before I post it.

The living room is all rearranged.  I about killed myself doing it, but it has a better flow now.  Oddly enough, it reminds me of my grandmother’s house for some reason, but I can’t place my finger on why.  There’s more room now, so Matt can join me in my work outs.  And once we throw out the old chair (we just have to wait for dump day to take it), we’ll have room for a treadmill.  Matt’s willing to get one, too, which is a big change for him.  So yay!  It’ll be nice not having to wonder if the finicky New York weather is going to behave so I can do my C25K training.

Day 30

Wow.  Thirty days.  I think this is about the point last time that I discovered Twilight and fell off the wagon as I was too busy reading and rereading to take the time to exercise.  So here’s to another thirty days.

My thighs are so tight right now.  I haven’t been spending enough time stretching, I guess.  I’ll try doubling the time, see if that helps.  I’ve been lunging around the house since getting back from my walk this morning.  It’s the muscle on the top of my thighs, specifically my left thigh, that’s being difficult.  I tried downloading a stretching app, but the way it has you stretching puts much of your weight right on the knee, with the foot lifted off the ground.  It hurts way too much for me to do.  So I Googled stretching, and have been doing those.  Sheesh, I wish I had a trainer.  It would make my life so much easier.

I’m going to be moving around the living room today.  Which should prove fun, as it’s the room with the largest furniture.  I just hope I don’t hurt Matt’s stereo.  He would be very upset about that.  After I’m done with the living room, I’m going to start with that quiche.  I have some ideas about what I’m going to do, I just hope they work.  Fingers crossed!

Day 29

I have an announcement to make:  I, Miki, completed my first day of C25K training today, and I survived.  I’ve never been able to run before.  Through most of high school I wasn’t even cleared to run because of my back.  First I was taken off swim team, then I was completely restricted in gym class.  All I was allowed to do was walk.  My senior year I got a new orthopedic specialist, and he cleared me for all gym activity.  I survived volleyball, badminton, basketball, and our free month where my best friend and I did Pilates from a tape during class.  I even took archery, and actually was able to hit the target nine times out of ten by the end.  But it was when we started the track unit that I thought I was going to die.  For some reason the teacher thought it would be a brilliant idea to have us run a mile, cross country, right off the bat.  So here I am, all pleased because I’ve been cleared, and there are actually people behind me.  Maybe two minutes in I start wheezing and have to stop.  I walk a ways, fall behind, start running again.  100 feet from the finish line I collapse, in a full blown asthma attack, laying there in the grass struggling for breath, and everyone’s running by me.  No one can leave till we all finish, and at this point everyone else is finished, so everyone starts yelling at me to get a move on.  I manage to stumble over the finish line and pant out to the teacher that I need to go to the nurse for my inhaler.  She just rolled her eyes and told me to go.  The next day I went to the doctor and got myself cleared from the track unit.

So the fact that I actually finished the first day is so huge for me.  Granted, I only ran for a minute at a time, and the last couple times were more difficult, and I really should have brought my inhaler with me, but you know what?  I finished.  That’s all that matters to me.  I’m hoping that by doing the C25K training, I’ll be able to finally run.  I’m hoping it helps strengthen my lungs, because they’ve been getting worse.  I’m hoping to finish this program, then start the Bridge to 10K after I’m finished.  There’s a 10k run/walk in October I’d love to run.

I’ve been looking at the C25K program for a while now, and had decided that I’d try it when I hit my half-way mark (27.5 pounds lost).  Then yesterday I was watching Biggest Loser on Hulu (yes, again), and I saw Michael run 5 miles.  Michael, the guy who started the show weighing in at 526 and at the time he ran was 350 something.  I was thinking, this man weighs more than twice what I do, and he’s running.  What’s my excuse?  So this morning I downloaded the app, the first app I’ve ever paid for, and started my training.  Yay me.

Yesterday I had a squee-worthy moment.  Matt comes up to me right before I leave for work, looks me up and down, and says, “Damn, you’re getting skinny.”  I could have died happy.  Only one other person has ever referred to me as skinny, and he had two 400 pound daughters and thought his 250 daughter was a twig.  So, yeah, big moment for me.

Day 28

So today’s a little weird.  Today I’m writing before my exercise, not after.  Why, might you ask?  Oh, because my husband decided that after five years of waking me up before he leaves, he would choose the day that I had something I needed to tell him not to.  So because everyone he knows seems to be unlisted, and we don’t have any of their numbers on our white board, I have to walk up to his friend’s house, hope that they have the phone number of the place that he’s working, walk back, and pray that they answer.  Because when my boss wrote the schedule this week, she didn’t have anyone in the office for half an hour.  So I have to go into work an hour early.  And we have only one car.

Oh, did I mention that it’s a six mile round trip?  Yeah.  Good times.  At least it’s not raining.

So last night I bought a blender so I can start making smoothies.  I think I’m going to look at a few smoothie recipes so I can grasp the basics, then I might start making my own.

This is odd.  I’ve never been much of a cook.  Baking, sure, I could bake like you couldn’t believe.  When my brother was in grade school, I made chocolate chip cookies for him to sell in their bake sale.  They were the first to sell out, and the teacher sent him home for more, even though there were other chocolate chip cookies there.  And I’d tweak those recipes, make them my own, but I never made up a recipe.  And I’d never even tweak a cooking recipe.  So for me to be doing this, and with health food none the less, is just bizarre to me. 

Day 27

If this morning was any indication of how today’s going to go, I might as well drag my ass back to bed.  First, I couldn’t wake up.  I had to drag myself into the bathroom to start my day.  That hasn’t happened for a while.  Then when I was doing my Pilates, I remembered that I need 30 minutes of moderate activity each day, or activity that changes how I breathe.  Even if I can count the Pilates, I still need ten more minutes.  And then when I was trying to get my breakfast together, I kept knocking the cereal box over.  I must have dumped at least a cup and a half onto the floor.  *sigh*

I forgot to mention that yesterday was the first official day of the Well at Work challenge.  I got all the points I could yesterday, but I sort of had to work to get the fruits and veggies in.  I mean, by the end of the day I was more than there, and I’m sure I was underestimating my values (the paper says we need 5 or more cups, I go mostly by ounces).  I think a lot of that was because I over slept again and missed one meal (I had breakfast and dinner, cut lunch).  I made up for the calories though, with all that fruit.

Matt and I got a bag of mandarin oranges when we went shopping the other day, and I think I might have to go grab another bag.  They’re only 50 calories each, packed with vitamin C, and are very versatile.  I ate a bunch of them as is yesterday, but for supper I put them to good use.  For supper I started with 3oz of spinach (approx 2 cups), added a pealed and segmented mandarin orange, half an ounce of cheese, and a Tbsp of sunflower seeds.  Atop all that I added a salmon patty, and squeezed the juice from one mandarin orange over everything instead of dressing.  It was yummy.  And it didn’t make me sick again, so added bonus. 

Day 26

Weight: 162
BFP: 38.7%

So I’ve lost 2 pounds and .1% of my body fat this past week.  That’s not so bad.

Last night was…difficult for me.  The tacos were great, but I had no idea how filling they were going to be.  Matt and I each ate two, when one was more than enough.  I should have listened to my first instinct and just stuck with one.  I don’t think there was anything wrong with the tacos themselves, because Matt was fine.  So I don’t know if it was just that they reacted badly with me, or that I ate too much, or what, but I got so sick.  I tried laying still, walking around, chewing mint gum, drinking mint tea, I tried everything I could think of, and still I felt like I was going to throw up.  Around the second hour of this I started to worry about food poisoning.  Yes, 
Matt was just fine, but I’ve always been more sensitive to these things.  I wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, I only knew that I seriously thought I was going to be very sick.  So I did something I promised myself years ago I would never do again.  I made myself sick.  I brought up about half the meal, and that was enough to make me feel better.  But at the same time, I felt terrible.  The entire time I kept asking myself why the hell I used to do this voluntarily every day, a few times a day.  And while, yes, there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that kept saying, “Well, you’ve done it now, might as well finish the job,” mostly I kept thinking, “Please, for the love of god, let this be the time to bring up whatever’s making me sick so I can stop.”

I don’t know if this means I’ve relapsed or not.  On the one hand, I was sick.  I suffered for hours before I used purging as a last resort.  And I left much of the meal on my stomach, something I would have never done before.  There also wasn’t that sick satisfaction I used to get at the end, the, “That’s right, I did this,” feeling.  I’d completely forgotten about that until last night.  I used to be so pleased every time I threw up and didn’t get caught, so proud of myself, like I was doing something wonderful.  Last night I just felt dirty.  I still get that feeling of pride, though now it’s when I complete a work out, or eat something healthy.

In favor of relapse, however, there’s the fact that I did go into that bathroom and bring up what I had eaten.  I keep telling myself, yeah, I was sick, but was it because I ate too much?  If it is, then this is all my doing, and I just resorted to old habits to fix it.

But it’s not like I was all, “Oh, I ate too much, I’m going to gain weight.  I must fix this.”  I was under budget yesterday.  I ate too much, yes, but I didn’t bring up my meal because of that, I did it because I felt very sick and I was miserable.  I even tried going to sleep, hoping I’d digest while unconscious.  Didn’t work.

I feel like I’m trying to rationalize my actions to myself.  Maybe I am.  I just wish I could go back and change yesterday, only make a taco each for Matt and I, then put the rest away for later.  But you can’t change the past, only live with the consequences.

I feel like crap today.  I didn’t have the energy to complete my work out, so I basically dragged myself through it.  I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t have my full dinner on my stomach last night, or if it was from my lack of sleep.  I was up late last night thinking about what I’d done and what that meant for my recovery.  I guess I just have to pick myself up and move on.

Low cal tacos

I made low cal tacos tonight, and they were yummy and VERY filling. They're much more substantial than something similar you'd get at Taco Bell, and I'm sure the calories are fewer. Also, I made my own taco seasoning, so no extra salt and chemicals there. They came out spicy, but not too bad. I don't do well with hot food, and it had flavor, made my lips tingle, but didn't send me screaming for the milk jug. Plus, they were super easy to make, and not very expensive. I don't have children, but I could easily see myself making these with my 10 year old niece without much issue. Just please be careful if you are shredding your own cheese.

The cheese I used is 75% fat free, 60 cal an ounce. The tortillas are 121 cal each.

I was amazed that something that I not only cooked, but created a recipe for just by what spices smelled good together from the cupboard came out so yummy.  So, here's the recipe I came up with:

Ingredients:

1 large boneless, skinless chicken breast (aprox 8 oz)
2 tsp EVOO
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp dried cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
4 Tbsp salsa
2 oz low fat cheese, shredded
1 cup romaine lettuce, shredded
1/4 med tomato, diced
4 whole wheat tortillas

How to:

Cut chicken into large, even pieces. Combine spices and EVOO into non stick pan. Stir to combine. Add chicken, and stir to coat with spice/EVOO mixture. Cook covered over medium heat for aprox 7 minutes, or till heated through. Take off heat and transfer to plate. Using two forks, shred chicken to desired consistency. Return to pan. Toss to coat with any spice mixture that was still in the pan. Divide all ingredients equally onto the tortillas. Enjoy!

Serves 4
251 cal

Day 25

So I weigh in tomorrow.  Wonder what (if anything) I’ve lost.  On the one hand, I stayed within my limits, worked out, did all that good stuff.  On the other, I ate those damned cookies (which are now gone), totally screwed with my sleep schedule, and drank diet soda two of those days.  So I don’t know what to expect.

Next week I’m going to try to make two things.  I’ve been thinking, and I need to come up with some more low cal recipes that are yummy so I don’t get bored and binge.  I want to see if I can make a low cal quiche (using egg whites, 75% fat free cheese, and veggies) and low cal tacos (chicken, and maybe low cal tortillas).  I’ve also been thinking about a mac and cheese recipe I can maybe do, I’d stir broccoli tops in, maybe a few other veggies.  I’ll post any recipes I come up with.

Last night I was debating doing something special when I hit my half-way point (27.5 pounds).  I’m thinking about going to a local spa.  Don’t know for sure yet though.

Day 24

I am so tired.  I didn’t want to, but I’m going to skip my workout today.  I might do a couple laps around the house after my breakfast, but I won’t have the energy for much more.  I was stupid.  I got home at 6:30.  Instead of going right to bed and getting up at 1 (6.5 hours of sleep), I watched Biggest Loser reruns on Hulu.com until 9.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I know this is part of the reason why I’m over weight, and it has to stop.  Tonight I am dragging my ass to bed as soon as I get home.

On the flip side of the coin, I was so inspired by the people on that show, and it was only the second episode of the new season.  I’ve never watched Biggest Loser, though I caught the finale once when I was in high school.  I see two things when I look at those people:  I see the heartache I will face if I don’t change now.  And I see how strong and courageous I’ll have to be to make this change.  If these people can drop what I weighed at the beginning, I should be able to drop a mere 55 pounds.  And keep it off.  And for once be happy with my body.

I know I’ll never be a size 0.  Hell, I’ll never be a 4.  I know the best I can hope for is probably a 6.  This has nothing to do with how much I can lose, but with how I’m built.  I have wide hips and I’m barrel chested.  I didn’t understand this before, which I’m sure added to my illness.  I got to the point where I just couldn’t lose any more, and I was still 120 pounds and a size 7.  It pissed me off, confused the hell out of me, and I’m sure only made things worse.

I weighed 125 in this picture, and I thought I was huge.  All I could see where the bad parts: how my arms were flabby and my tummy had a little pouch.

I weight about the same in this picture as I do now (I was about 165, I believe), and this is what I never want again.  Forget the weight, forget the size, I never want another picture taken of me where I feel I have to put my arm over my stomach to try to hide it.

And finally, this is where I will never, ever be again.  I have no idea exactly what I weighed in this picture, as I stayed away from scales at all costs, but a few months later I signed up for the weight loss challenge at work for the first time.  And weighed in at 180.  I will never be there again.