Day 23

So aside from no one knowing what the hell I was supposed to do last night, it went well.  I ended up needing two breakfasts today—one when I got home, and one now, when I got up—but that’s fine.  These nights are open every week.  I’m thinking I might put in for them.  It’s guaranteed 16 hours a week at an extra dollar an hour, the work isn’t bad (I spent the first four hours cleaning, and the rest of the night pacing or reading), and the guys who stock seem nice.  So if I take these shifts, and I have my shifts I work every Tuesday and Saturday, and they’ve been working me every Sunday (another extra dollar an hour), that’d put me up close to 35 hours a week, which is the max I can get.  And I wouldn’t have to get a second job.  So while it might take me a bit to figure out a way to get my system used to two overnights a week, I think it’d be better for me in the long run.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes, though, that’ll be the real test.  I work until 6am tomorrow, then I have to come back at 3:30 to work until 9:30.  If I get home at 6:30, get in bed by 7, and get up at noon, that’s only 5 hours of sleep.  Yikes. 

Day 22

So I’m a little out of sorts today.  You’ve no idea how weird it is to eat breakfast at 7pm.  And I was thinking about it, my calories Saturday will probably be up there.  I’m going to be eating dinner that night (early am) at work, then get home and either eat breakfast, then sleep, or sleep then breakfast.  Then I’ll eat my lunch some time, and my dinner maybe when I get home from work.  So I’ll have two dinners that day.  But I’m not going to have a dinner today (I’ll eat it early am tomorrow).  Like I said, out of sorts.

Day 21

So I was right, messing my schedule up is messing me up.  I fee all off, sleeping till 1, then getting up and doing things.  I actually woke up at 7, even though I didn’t get to bed until after 3.  And tonight I’m going to stay awake until at least 6 tomorrow morning, thinking about staying up till 7.  See, the shift runs from 10pm to 6am, and my first one is tomorrow night.  This is so weird, I’m thrown all off.

I got my Girl Scout Cookies yesterday.  We won’t even talk about how many I ate.  Let’s just say, it was way too damn many.  And I didn’t even want to eat most of the ones I did.  I just am eating them because they’re there and I want to get the damned things out of the house.  I’ve been staying in budget (just barely).  I did cardio today, even though I hadn’t planned to, and I think I’m going to do some more tonight.

Two books I’ve been waiting for came out, and I’m happy to say that they aren’t messing up my plan (any more than it’s already messed up).  I did spend most of last night reading, but I was able to put down the book this morning not only to exercise and eat something healthy, but to do my morning house work and come post here.  Last time, that wouldn’t have happened.  So I see that as a big step in the right direction.

Day 20

This morning I just did Pilates.  The set I have comes with ideas for a schedule to start up, depending on what you want.  For maximum weight loss, they suggest the 50 minute DVD MWF, and one of the 20 min DVDs TTS.  I figure I’ll do that, then use my exercise ball and the resistance band on Sundays.

Yesterday I struggled to get more calories in.  First I missed lunch (so I ended up 300 calories under budget), so I tried to make up for that.  For dinner I cooked herb crusted chicken breasts (one breast was two servings), brown rice, and salads.  It came to be 505 calories.  And I almost couldn’t finish.  Normally, I wouldn’t have worried about it.  I would have tossed whatever was left (no room in the current fridge to store leftovers) and said yay for saving some calories.  But I’m trying to get more calories in, so that would have been counterproductive.  *sigh*

On the upside of things, our new fridge arrives Thursday!  The old one kicked it a week or so ago, so we’ve been using my minifridge from college.  It works well enough, but there’s not a lot of room.  With the big fridge, we’ll be able to buy more healthy things, so we can have a wider variety.  It also has an icemaker.  It’s not one of those in the door types, the spot for a fridge in our kitchen isn’t big enough for one of those, but it still produces its own ice.  Matt likes his drinks iced, and I’m hoping if he doesn’t have to take out a tray, crack it, and refill it, he’ll be more likely to drink.  Here’s hoping!

Day 19

So I weighed myself today.  Even though I was initially happy, I really didn’t like what I read there:

Weight: 164
BFP: 38.7%

My BFP is the same that it was last week.  Which means that the four pounds I lost between now and then was all muscle!  So I’m changing things around again.  I originally had my Lose It! program set to lose 1.5 pounds a week, which allotted me 1357 calories a day.  I tweaked the calories down to 1220 a day, close to the 1200 I had allotted myself.  If I set it to 2 pounds a week, it allots me 1107 a day.  That’s a 250 calorie difference.  So I’m thinking, if I try to eat the 1357 calories a day, my exercise could bring me down to the 1107 a day, sticking me back into the healthy range of weight loss and hopefully giving me a higher fat to muscle loss ratio.  I’m going to try it for the week, see where it puts me.

Today I tried to have something a little different for breakfast.  Typically I have a yogurt (between 90 and 110 calories) with a third cup of Bran Buds stirred in (70 calories), putting me under my 200 calorie breakfast budget.  Today I had three egg whites (50 calories) with an ounce of 75% fat free cheese (70 calories), and four small pieces of ham (45 calories) stirred in.  With that I had half of an Arnold Sandwich Thin (50 calories) with a teaspoon of apple butter (10 calories).  So breakfast this morning was 224 calories.  And I am sooo full! 

If I add 26 calories to each meal, I will come really close to the 1357 I’m aiming for.  The question becomes, how to do this?  I’m already under budget on almost every meal, and I’m so full all day long, how am I going to make myself go over budget?

I cut my cardio out today, doing 30 minutes on my exercise ball instead (I added it in under Pilates, couldn’t find an exercise ball option).  I’m wondering if I should stick to low impact strength training (Pilates, my exercise ball, resistance bands, walking, etc) for a while.  At least until my allotted calories drop low enough where I have to burn off what I’m eating.  That way I’m building muscle, which burns more calories than fat anyway.

I’m also wondering if I should add a weekly shock to my system now, instead of waiting.  Matt and I were talking awhile ago about once a week going out and not worrying about what we eat for one meal.  Keep track and don’t go over budget the rest of the day, but for that one meal get a Big Mac with fries, if that’s what we really want.  It’d be a shock of calories to my system, which I’ve noticed tends to give people’s metabolism a kick.  It’d have to be the same day every week, that way it’s evenly spaced, and we wouldn’t go super crazy (order a huge appetizer, three drinks, a huge meal, and dessert), just do something like order the Two for Twenty at Applebee’s.  Another bonus would be that I wouldn’t be depriving myself of things that I like, so I’d be less likely to cheat down the line.  I won’t start doing this any time soon, just one day.  And maybe sooner than I originally thought I would.

I applied for two jobs yesterday.  One would be a part-time job I would work in addition to my current one, and the other would be a full-time job that would replace my current one.  I think getting the full-time would be best, not only for the pay and such, but for my health.  I would have a steady schedule, and would be able to plan my meals, workouts, and sleep more accurately.  Working two jobs would leave me little time to work out, would only give me four hours of sleep a night, and would mess up my eating schedule.

Speaking of messing up my schedules, I agreed to work two overnights this week.  I’m sure this is going to mess with me, though I’m not sure how quite yet.  I’m hoping I can just treat it as my days being flipped, (getting up at 6 pm instead of am, etc), but I worry it’s going to be more difficult than that.  Oh well, we shall see.

Day 18

So I resisted stepping on the scale this morning.  It was difficult, I really wanted to, but I did it.  I’ll weigh myself and take my BFP tomorrow, though.  Then next week is the weigh in, take two.

I got worried yesterday.  Out of no where, this wave of depression just crashed over me.  I think on its own it would have been fine, I’m used to it by now, but the fact that I thought I had the bad ones under control just made it worse.  Normally I wouldn’t be overly bothered by this—sure, I thought I was getting better, but I can deal with it, no big.  But when I get depressed, I eat.  Everything I shouldn’t.  I didn’t binge, which I was so proud of myself over, but what if that doesn’t happen next time?  I’d go to the doctor, but last time I was on an antidepressant, I packed on 20 pounds and felt like I was in a bubble.  All I did was sit in front of the computer all day and eat.  I was actually more depressed on the pills than I was off them.

I bought the exercise ball yesterday, even though I hadn’t gotten to 10 pounds yet.  How I see it, it’s an exercise tool, and I was real close to my reward weight.  I just won’t buy anything when I do lose 10 pounds, because I’ve already bought it.  I do not want to make a habit of doing this, though.

Anywho, I haven’t done any actual exercises with it yet.  I didn’t get home till after 10 last night, so I just had time to blow it up.  But I’m sitting and bouncing on it now, and I might do some more when I get home from work.

I’m going to pop into the gym on the way home from work.  We get a discount on the sign up fee through my job, and the guy I asked at work thinks it’s only about $32 a month.  I won’t be able to sign up for a few months, but if that price is right and I can pay month to month, not have the whole year up at once, I might sign up.  I used to be a member when I was in high school, and it’s a really nice gym.  And your membership comes with something like five free meetings with a trainer.  Even if I don’t go that route, though, there’s still the treadmills, the elliptical machines, the Cybex machines, and there’s a sauna!  I used to love the sauna.  And it makes a nice reward.  I’d tell myself if I worked x amount of time on these machines, I’d get so many minutes in the sauna.

Day 17

Right, so, making some changes. I stepped on the scale again today to see that it still read 166. I know that’s normal, and that I’m losing weight in a healthy way, so it’s going to be slow going. But I was hoping that the scale would read 165 this morning. More so because I want the exercise ball than anything else. I guess that’s a good sign, right? So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m only going to weigh myself every Monday. At that time I’ll also take my BFP reading. I think I’ll have more success this way. Though I did like posting my weight as each title; it gave me a certain accountability.

Now, as to the days. This whole life change started with a weight loss/wellness program through work. It officially starts May 3, though we were weighed in on April 8. There are two separate challenges (which I’ll touch on later), and two phases of each challenge. The first phase of each runs from May 3 to June 27. Then there is a second, extended phase that runs to December 12. The point of stretching things out is that studies show that it takes at least three months for things to become habit, and they want us to stay healthy for the rest of our lives. There are prizes for each challenge (last year I lost the most out of everyone in my store and won a $25 gift card. I was one person off from making the list of the top 50 in the entire program, which would have been an additional $50 gift card). The grand prize is a $2500 travel voucher, one given to the winner of each challenge.

The weight loss challenge (which they did last year) just stresses the importance of healthy weight. Anyone under a certain BMI wasn’t allowed to participate. They had everyone who wanted to participate come up to the break room, where we were weighed, our blood pressure taken, and our BFP analyzed. We were given sheets with information about where all our numbers should be, and where ours were. Throughout the program, we will have weigh ins to track our progress. Our initial weigh in (which we all thought was April 8, but turns out we’re being reweighed for the challenge next week), a weigh in at week four, and a final weigh in at week 8. Through the extended challenge, we won’t be weighed. We will just have our final weigh in sometime around December 12.

The wellness challenge (which is new this year) is a little different. Everyone was given a little booklet for us to track our daily points in. We get points if we lose or maintain our weight that week (2 pts for losing, 1pt for maintaining), points for moderate intensity exercise each day, points for how many cups of fruit and veggies we get a day, and points for either not smoking or attempting to quit. We tally our points throughout the week, then turn our slips in every two weeks.

In addition, we can earn one time bonus points. We get points for getting an average of 7-8 hours of sleep a night, for doing little online quizzes, for seeing the dentist in the last two years, bushing our teeth twice a day, and flossing once a day, for going to the eye doctor during the last three years, points for taking a stress management quiz, points for having a BMI below 30, and points for taking an online course on prevention. The person with the most points at the end of the program wins the travel voucher, but the overall purpose is to have us all leading healthy lives.

So from April 8 to December 12 is 247 days. 247 days to completely turn my life around. Today we’re 17 days in. Here we go.

166

I seem to be leveling out in my weight loss.  I’m down to a pound about every three days.  Which is two pounds a week, which is what I set Lose It! to, so it’s all good.

There is this big debate over on the Lose It! website as to whether or not you should eat your exercise calories.  Looks like, at least for me, it’s best not to.  And I’ve even subtracted 200 calories from what they recommend for me. 

Matt and I went grocery shopping yesterday.  The first time we’ve gone together since the diet started.  Let me tell you, it was an experience.  I kept asking him what it was he wanted (the whole reason he went with me was because he didn’t think I was buying enough of the right things).  He kept answering with things like, “24 pizza bites” or, “hot wings and beer.”  He looked at whole grain pasta, and was shocked that you only got two ounces.  I told him, that and a salad, and you’ll be surprised how full you are.  He wasn’t hearing it.  So I told him no pasta until he no longer feels he has to eat half the box.

166

I’m planning on rearranging my bedroom as soon as I’m done with my morning housework, so maybe that will help be burn more than I would today.  I’ve noticed that since I started this, my mood has improved ten fold.  I’m not as depressed as I normally am.  And with this mood improvement comes this…not unhappiness, but more of a displeasure with how the house is currently laid out.  And how cluttered it is.  The house has had basically the same layout since we moved in almost two years ago.  Prior to Monday (when I rearranged my office), the only room where anything had changed was the living room.  I’m thinking of tackling that Monday, or maybe I’ll start it today if I have the time.  I like how the living room is laid out, I just don’t like how cluttered it is.  This is good, though.  I’m improving myself physically and emotionally.  And you have to be happy with your environment to be happy.  Maybe all this will help me get my depression under control.

166

So I realized yesterday that I haven’t measured myself this time round.  I’m thinking I should do that today.  Not sure how frequently I’ll re-measure.  Maybe once a month, maybe every other month, maybe not till the end.  Anywho, here they be:

Chest:  42.5"”
Waist:  37.5”
Hips:  41.5”
Thigh:  22.25”
Bicep:  13”

Well, on the up side, I’ve lost a little over two inches since the last time I measured myself (last year).  On the down side, those numbers are much higher than I’d like them to be.

I’ve decided to rework my rewards.  I’ve 55 pounds to lose total, so I’m going to go all the way to the end with my planned rewards.  Here’s how the list stands at the moment:

10: exercise ball
15: wrist weights
20: new work out DVDs
25: heart rate monitor
30: new work out play list
35: mani/pedi
40: new tattoo
45: movie
50: new work out outfits
55: new wardrobe

I’m hoping I can talk my husband into funding either the tattoo or the wardrobe. 

I’m looking into getting a second job.  Thing is, if I do, it won’t leave me much time to work out.  I’m making my availability for the new jobs 7 – 12.  Let’s say I get lucky and get those six hours five days a week.  I’d have to leave here at 6.  I’d have to get up at 5 just to give me time to get ready.  4 to give me time to work out.  I don’t get out of my current job until 9:30, meaning I don’t get home until 10, to bed until 11.  That’s five hours a sleep a night.  *groans*  I need at least seven.  But I need the money; eating healthy is so expensive.

167

I’ve been doing some research on this whole “starvation mode” thing.  Not sure what I think about it.  Yes, it makes sense: the body is like an engine.  The calories are the fuel, but the nutrients are like the oil and grease that keeps things running smoothly.  You need all of them, in the right amounts, for your engine to run efficiently.  If your engine get’s 30 miles per gallon, you can’t expect it to go 35 miles on a gallon of fuel.  Which is where the reserve tanks (fat deposits) come in.  The engine burns through that gallon of fuel, then runs the other five miles off the reserve tank.  And I’ve totally lost how I was relating this into starvation mode.  Whatever.

What concerns me is that last week my calorie deficit was 7540.  And I am losing more than what is considered healthy.  Of course, on the flip side, I am recording every little thing I do (outside of what is already considered in the PAL).  And overweight people tend to lose more than normal sized people.  And don’t you lose more weight the first few weeks of a new diet?  I really need to get my buns to my doctor and ask them all of this.

I moved my office around yesterday.  Took me five hours (and apparently 800 calories), but I got it now so it flows and looks nice.  Let me paint the picture of what it was like:

When we moved in, this place is much smaller than our last place (which was smaller than our first place), so much of my stuff was still in boxes, since I didn’t have the room to unpack it.  My office is a small room, and I had my bookshelf, a set of drawers with supplies in it, my filing cabinet, and my desk along one wall, and all the boxes crammed floor to ceiling along the other one.  Well, I’d had it with only having a small alley of floor space.  So I attacked the boxes, getting rid of about 10 of them all together.  Now everything that was along the back wall fits neatly in the closet, my desk is facing so I can look out the window, and the floor space is opened up.  The room looks so much bigger, and I am very happy with the result.  Next Monday I’m going to attack my desk and get the drawers organized.

I’ve noticed that not only am I eating healthier, but I”m living healthier.  I’m happier, less depressed, and I’m taking steps to like not only myself, but my environment.  Before, if I didn’t like something, I’d sigh and say, “I wish that could change.”  Now I’m changing it.

168

Alright, so this morning (after lots of futzing about, and a few minutes of wanting to chuck my scale out the window) I got on the scale to record my body fat percentage.  If you’ll remember, when I first stepped on the scale, my BFP (as it will hence forth be referred to) was 40%.  This morning?  38.8%!  *dances about*  I know that’s not a huge drop, only 1.2%, but still, it’s something!

Lose It! is still proving very helpful.  I’ve gone onto the website, and there’s so much more on there.  Mainly, the other people trying to lose weight.  I know there are other people at work who are doing this weight loss challenge, but they don’t seem as serious about it as I am.  And Matt’s trying to lose weight as well, but he waffles between being serious and not.  And anytime I talk to him about my weight loss, he wants to know what I weigh.  I just don’t feel comfortable telling him, not yet.  I know he’s my husband and I should be able to tell him these things, and he’s seen me in my all-together, so it’s not like the numbers should matter, but they do to me.  I think it’s more of my insecurities.  And I know a lot of it is based on how I see myself.

Matt has a habit of if a larger woman walks by, he’ll say something like, “Damn, she’s big.”  And it always hurts me, because often times these women are around my size, or at least the size I see myself as being.  I’ve voiced this to him, and he always says the same thing: “You are no where near that big.” 

I know I don’t see myself clearly.  I look in the mirror, and all I can focus on are the lumps of fat.  The rolls that peek out from between my arms and my bra strap; the roll of fat right under my bra, on top of my ribs; the way my love handles poke out over the top of my panties; the way my stomach always creases right at my belly button, as if to make room for all the fat; and the way my thighs bulge and touch half-way down, even when my feet are hip width apart.  I’m so blinded by what I see as the faults, that I can’t see what Matt might find attractive.  And I know this needs to change.  I just don’t know how to change it.  I hope that when I lose the weight, I’ll be happier with what I see in the mirror, but what if I’m not?  I never was before when I was tiny.  Last time I lost weight though, I looked in the mirror and was so giddy because my stomach was a little flatter.  For the first time, I went to the mirror, looked at my body, and smiled.  I hope it’s like that this time.

169

I seem to have hit a plateau.  I’m trying not to get discouraged by it though.  It’s only three days a week in.  I can’t expect to keep losing a pound a day.  But still, it was a little disappointing to step on that scale this morning and see the same number again.  I’m wondering if the hours I’m working (and hence the times I’m having to eat) could be having any effect on my weight.  I don’t get out of work until 9:30 some nights, and don’t get home until 10.  Which means I eat around 10:30, and I’m in bed between 11 and 12.  I’m wondering if maybe I should start bringing something to eat for dinner with me to work.  But it’s kind of difficult to eat supper in less than 15 minutes.  Taking the time it takes me to get up to the break room and back (about 5 minutes, round trip), then however long it takes the meal to heat, (let’s say 3 minutes), that would only give me 7 minutes to eat my meal.

169

I seem to be loosing a pound every other day.  Is that healthy?  It’s probably because this is a new diet.  You always lose the most at the start of a new diet.

My iPod is proving to be a very important part of this whole endeavor.  I have downloaded three apps in particular that are proving helpful.  There’s the BMI calculator, which I use the least.  But still, it’s nice to be able to check every once in a while where I stand on that front. 

Then there’s this iGoal app, which was very helpful.  You put in your height, gender, current weight, what you want to weigh, and when you want to be down to that weight.  It will tell you if your goal is possible or not, and if it is dangerous or not.  It well tell you your current BMI, and what it is going to be, how many calories to consume a day to maintain your current weight, how many to go through to maintain your goal weight, and how many to go through to get down to your goal weight.

Finally, there’s Lose It, the app I use the most (I think it’s getting more action than my Twitter app).  At first I wasn’t going to record everything I eat and do like I did last time, because it took so long looking up what the calories and everything was, and then writing it all down, and adding it up.  I probably spent at least 40 minutes a day just recording in that journal.  But with the Lose It app, all I have to do is find the food or exercise on a list, and the app does everything else.  It has this large database of food, even brand name foods, and an equally large database of exercises.  It even saves the ones I’ve used in the past, and saves past meals.  So when I have my yogurt in the morning, I don’t have to copy down all the information from the yogurt and the bran buds each time, I can just click on My Meals, and copy it right in there.  It takes seconds, and is so much easier.  And I like being able to see what all I’ve been doing, and how my calories that I’ve taken in measure against the ones that I’m burning.  It will even chart my weight loss.  Love it!

169

Yoplait containers do not work well for me.  At least, not for breakfast.  I’ve never had a problem with them for any other reason.  It’s just that the small mouths of the containers make it difficult to add the bran buds.  And I have to eat a few spoonfuls of the yogurt before I can add anything at all.  So no more Yoplait for Miki. 

So it looks like I’ve lost that first five pounds, so I’m going to reward myself with a pair or two of pretty panties.  Really can’t afford any more than that.

Matt and I have been talking about after we’ve lost the weight we want to lose.  We’ll both be adding a few more calories into our meals to sort of level us out.  According to this iGoal calculator, to maintain 120 pounds, I’ll need 1851 calories a day.  I don’t think I’ll go that high.  But maybe I’ll add 50 calories to each meal, see where that brings me weight wise.  That’d bring me to 1500 calories a day.  We were also talking about having one day a week where we don’t count one meal.  Where we could go out, say to Applebee’s, and order what we want without fussing about it.  Stay within our guidelines for the rest of the week and the rest of that day, but not worry about that one meal.  I think it’s a good idea, but only after we’ve lost the weight we want to lose.  I mean, we like eating out, and if we deny ourselves too heavily, we’ll just end up frustrated, and this diet won’t work.

170

I ate a Cadbury Egg last night.  I stayed within my calorie limits, but still.  See, I’m PMSing, and I was whining about how I wanted chocolate, specifically a Snickers.  Matt, trying to be sweet, handed me one of his Cadbury Eggs he had left over from Easter.  I hemmed and hawed over it, turning the little chocolate and caramel confection around in my hand for several minutes.  I knew I wanted the chocolate, I knew before I would have eaten it without a second thought, but something just didn’t feel right.  I was playing with the wrapping, leaning more towards not eating the thing at this point, when Matt took it from me and unwrapped it to look for the nutritional information.  He handed it back to me, all unwrapped and milk chocolaty brown, and my resolve broke.  I ate it.  Very slowly.  Much more slowly than I normally would have.  And you know what?  Even from that first bite, it was in no way satisfying.  In fact, the more I ate, the worse I felt.  It was eye opening.

I’ve always been the type of person to eat my feelings.  If I was upset, I’d eat chocolate or comfort food.  If I was happy, I’d celebrate by eating.  If I did something I was proud of, I would reward myself with food.  I don’t know if it ever really made me feel better, but I still did it any way.  I think I needed last night, it was a real turn around for me.  For the first time, I went with what was natural for me, I went to ease myself with food, but instead of feeling better, I felt worse.

170

Well, I’ve done it, the first five pounds.  I’m going to wait a few days before I start celebrating, but still.  And I won’t be able to go victory shopping until at least Thursday.  But that’s not a big deal.

I found a salad I love.  The Dole complete salad kits light Ceaser.  Sooo yummy, and only 90 calories for a cup and a half.  That includes dressing and croutons.  So yummy, so filling, so good.

172

Starting to see some progress.  And I’m not so sure it’s water weight any more, as I went through four bottles of water last night alone.  I’m thinking once a week I’ll step on the scale so it can measure my body fat percentage, and that’ll tell me how far I’m coming along.  I know when they measured me at work it came up as 35.7%, but on this scale it told me I was 40%, so I’ll go by that.  Jesus, almost half fat.  The scale will also tell me my hydration level, so that’s good too.

174

So I over slept today.  After my work out, it was already lunch time.  So I missed breakfast and my first snack.  I’m quite full at the moment.  If I get hungry later on, like before dinner, I’ll just have an extra snack.  If not, I’ve cut 300 calories out of my day.

I’ve been thinking about rewards to do for myself, to keep the motivation up.  I figure five pound increments will be fine.  So here’s my idea:

5: Pretty panty shopping
10: Pretty bra shopping
15: Mani/pedi
20: Another tattoo

If I loose more than 20, I might just recycle the list again.  Or maybe I’ll come up with something else.  Who knows.

Lightheadedness

So I’m thinking I might have to add some more calories into my diet, at least for a week or two.  I’m getting very hungry, and at the moment I’m lightheaded.  I’m confused, though, because this didn’t happen last year.  I went from whatever the hell I was eating right to 1200, and if anything I felt better.  What I’m thinking it might be is when I knew I was doing the challenge again, I spent about three weeks eating things that I knew I wouldn’t be able to on the diet.  So maybe that jumped my calorie intake, and then the sudden cut is doing wonky things to my body?  Meh, I don’t know.  Thing is, I’m full right now.  I just ate lunch not even an hour ago.  So I think I’ll just stay in bed for a bit, then when it comes time for my snack I’ll move around.  Sounds like a plan to me. 

175

So I was right, yesterday’s weight-loss was probably water weight, cause it’s back on.  Oh well.

I’ve been reasoning with myself that I wasn’t full on starting the diet until today.  I’ve been mostly following it, but Friday I had those quesadillas, and actually last night I had one too.  I also had a doughnut at work, which I’m trying not to feel guilty over.  I’m telling myself that it was my last doughnut—at least for now, possibly forever—and it was a good doughnut to have as a last one.  Soft, chewy, perfect.  But no more.

I don’t know how well I’m going to fair this time as compared to last.  Last year, I was allowed to keep a bottle of water with me at work.  I tended to go through about 64oz of water at work alone (that’s the daily recommended amount, by the way).  So I really couldn’t get hungry at work, since I was so full up on water.  Well, now we’re no longer allowed to have beverages at work, so I maybe go through 8oz during my shift.  Which is why I think I gave in and had a doughnut last night.  I was so fricking hungry.  I wasn’t hungry once last time. 

I think I should go to the doctor and get a note so I can have water at work.  Not just for the diet reasons, but it’s sort of a pain in the ass to have to run over to the deli several times a night for a couple swallows of water.  It’s so much easier to just have that bottle handy and just sip through the night.

173

So apparently I lost two pounds between today and yesterday.  I doubt it’s anything more than water weight, though.

Yesterday I sort of dropped the ball.  I made chicken and cheese quesadillas, and ate way more than I should have.  I’m trying to reason with myself that I’m not technically starting the diet until Sunday, that right now I’m just easing myself into it, but that’s just a crock.

I found an app on my iPod last night.  I put in my height, weight, and activity level, and it’ll tell me how many calories to eat each day to maintain that weight.  Then I put in what weight I want to be, and when I want to be that weight by, and it’ll tell me if it’s possible (it’ll even tell me whether it’s dangerous or not), and how many calories I need to cut back to to get to that weight by that time.  Then it tells me how many calories I’ll be able to eat to stay at that weight when I get there.  So that was very helpful.  Apparently, it’s quite possible for me to get down to 120 by December, 12.  And that’s at going through 1400+ calories a day.  So maybe I’ll be able to get down to 120 by Thanksgiving time.

The thing that worries me, the last time I weighed 120 I was at the height of my bulimia.  I don’t know if I should be itching so to get back down to that.  I mean, yes, it would be wonderful if I could get down that low in a healthy way, but I don’t want it to become an, “Oh, I have to weigh this amount” issue.

I think that as long as what I eat is healthy, and that I’m full from foods that I know are good for me, I’ll be less tempted to get it out of my system.  The thing that scares me is what happens if I go and eat something that I shouldn’t have?  Or what if I get down to a weight that I’m happy with, but I start to pack on the pounds again.  The last time I had a real strong urge to purge (which sounds funnier than it should) was when Matt took me to Red Lobster.  I loved the food, and I was so full, but as I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I so wanted to just turn around, walk back into the stall, and bring everything back up.  Matt wouldn’t know, and I knew I could be quiet enough that the hostess wouldn’t hear me.  The thing that stopped me?  A young woman came in with her kid to change the munchkin’s diaper.

Every once in a while I’ll have thoughts like that.  But what happens if I get those thoughts after I’ve lost the weight?  I mean, I wasn’t big when I started.  I only weighed 135, and I was a size 10.  I guess I’m just scared, and I’ll have to trust myself to be strong enough not to give into any temptations I might feel.

175

We're doing this 8 week weightloss challenge at work, and I figured I'd blog about my experience. What I'm doing, what works, what doesn't.

Last year I lost 20 pounds, but I pretty much fell off the wagon for the last three weeks and went back to eating like I had been. The reason for this fail? Twilight. That's right, I discovered the books, and suddenly Edward and Bella became more important that working out. And once I stopped working out, eating right stopped as well. So here's hoping that the same thing doesn't happen again.

Since last year's plan worked well (until Twilight), I'm going to reuse it. I'm alloting myself 1200 calories a day, divided thus:

Breakfast: 200
Snack: 100
Lunch: 300
Snack: 100
Dinner: 400
Dessert: 100

The thing I'm changing is that I'm not going to require so much excersise. I was working out at least an hour and a half a day. Also, I'm not going to record every little thing I do. Last year, anything that went into my mouth got written down, along with the calories and other nutritional information. My exercise was recorded as well. That's just a pain in the ass.

I'm thinking about recording either weekly or daily videos on my progress. That way I can actually see what I'm loosing. Last time I didn't really notice I was losing the weight until my clothes started falling off.

So, as I'm sure you can tell from the title of this post, I currently weigh 175 pounds. At 5'2", this puts me very much over weight. In fact, my current body fat percentage is 35.7 percent, and my BMI is 32. My body fat percentage should be between 21 and 33 percent, and a high healthy BMI is 24. Which means I've quite a way to go.

Since last year I lost 20 pounds (and that was after falling off the wagon), I'm thinking my goal this year is 30. That'd put me at 145, which I haven't weighed since 10th grade.

Which brings me to my only real concern every time I diet: I'm a recovering bulimic. I haven't done anything in almost six years, but the thoughts are always there. And every time I diet, no matter how healthy it is, a part of me is afraid I'll slip right back into things. It's scary, but it's something I have to face. I'm overweight, and if I don't lose this weight now, it'll only be more difficult to do so down the line. The harder it is, the more the idea of slipping back into old habits will start to appeal. So I just have to trust that I'm strong enough to keep from doing anything stupid.

Well, on that slightly depressing note, I've had my little yogurt and bran buds mix for breakfast today. One 6oz light fruit yogurt with a thrid of a cup of bran buds mixed in: 160 cal.