Saturday, May 4, 2013

Set backs and change

It’s been almost exactly two years since I last blogged. A lot has happened in that time. I started working full-time overnight, I’ve moved again, gotten divorced, and started back at school again. Full-time work, full-time school, doesn’t really leave time for exercise, not that I’ve been doing much of that anyway. Pair that with in my previous apartment I couldn’t really keep food in the fridge and had to eat out a lot (and on my budget, that meant fast food), and I guess it’s not surprising that my weight is back up there again.

But I think it’s more than just that. I mean, I’m back to eating crap and doing nothing. I’m in therapy, but instead of dealing with all of my feelings there, I’m back to eating them. This week is a wonderful example. I’ve been seeing this guy. This week was a week of huge drama, and I broke up with him. So now I have my guilt and worries that maybe I didn’t do the right thing weighing on me, and I’ve been dealing with that in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Plus I have buy-one-get-one coupons. The other day I used one and bought two of the chicken McWraps. 430 calories each. I ate both. I also ate four ice cream bars (180 each). 1580 calories in one binge, that’s more than my daily limit. Anyway, a few hours later I woke up with the mother of all stomach aches. And so what did I do? I broke 8 and a half years of recovery and went into the bathroom and purged. I live alone now, no one would hear me. And my first feeling was one of relief: now at least some of those calories weren’t going to my ass. Yesterday I went back to the drive-thru three times because they were so busy. I don’t know why I didn’t just quit after seeing the line the first time. Anyway, yesterday was another McWrap (430), a Big Mac (550), a large fry (500), a large Sprite (280), and a little over a third of a package of Oreos (980) and a glass of milk (95). 2835 calories. Most of it went down the toilet.

I just…I’m so ashamed of myself. First off, there’s no damn reason for me to be eating all that food. I’m on a budget, it’s a waste of money. So to be going through all that, then to only throw it back up is just bullshit. But also, it’s been so long, I’ve been in recovery for so long, and I go and blow it like this. And the thing, it’s more appealing now than when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I was just doing it because I wanted to go from 130 to 115. Now it’s more about control. I lose control by eating all this crap. But by bringing it back up, I’m taking control back. At least that’s what it feels like. If I’m logical, I realize it’s all a lack of control.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I hate my body, and right now I’m not very fond of myself for falling off the wagon like this. I’m depressed and cranky, and on top of everything, now my throat hurts from all the vomiting. I need to kick my own ass back into gear. And I know I shouldn’t put it off, but I keep thinking…finals are next week, I can deal with this after that. We’ll see how that goes.

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