Day by day

So I haven’t yet added in any exercise, but I plan to do that today.  And my original plan of taking things real slow got a major shake up.  My best friend is planning a trip to North Carolina this summer to look at houses (she’s moving there end of summer, early fall), and she’s invited me.  So I’m going to be spending my 25th birthday on the beach (yay!), which means bathing suits (boo!).  I’m still sticking with the idea of not setting a goal weight (as that just tends to put pressure on me), I just want to be as comfortable as I can be.  I’m not planning on being bikini ready, I’m sure I’ll end up in a one piece and a sarong, but I don’t want to spend the whole time thinking that I look like I’ve been beached.

I bought a bunch of yogurts so I have things to munch on when I’m hungry, some fresh fruit and veggies, and a few things of SlimFast.  I’m not really sure how I feel about that.  On the one hand, it feels like cheating, on the other, I don’t see why I’m being so hard on myself.  I really don’t have the money or the time right now to spend on making full, healthy meals.  And besides, if I were to go that route, I would be freaking out over calories, and I don’t want that added pressure right now.  I figure replace two meals a day with shakes, have healthy snacks when I’m hungry, and eat a healthy meal for dinner (I’m not even going to bother counting the calories, I know approximately what’s what).  We’ll see how this works for me.

In the meantime, I’m worried about my sleeping habits.  When Matt and I first separated, I would spend most of the night up; I just couldn’t sleep without him there.  So I would be awake until 3, 4, sometimes 5 am, crash, and sleep until after noon.  Eventually I got to the point where I could sleep without him there, but I’ve still been up until after 1 most nights.  Actually, most nights I’m up until about 2:30, at which point I take a sleeping pill if I’m still up.  Thing is, I don’t want to become dependant on them.  When I don’t take them though, if I have a lot on my mind (which I usually do), I end up getting fitful sleep, tossing and turning, and waking up at the crack of dawn and not being able to fall back asleep.  Like last night (today?) for example: I went to bed at 2:30ish, was up and down most of the night, and woke up at 5:30.  Now I can’t get back to sleep.  I know this is terrible for me, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Trying a new thing

So, as I’m sure some of you have noticed, I have been absent for quite a while.  I stopped exercising, went back to eating crap, and started to pack the pounds back on (though how many I’ve packed, I’ve no idea; I’ve been avoiding the scale).  And even though I know I shouldn’t have, I feel I have a reason for letting my new health regime slip to the back burner.

Seeing as I was using this blog as a kind of cheap therapy, I might as well let it all out, or at least some of it.  This summer, my marriage started on a downward spiral.  Actually, if I’m totally honest, it started long before then, this summer was only the tailspin. I’m not going to go into the details, but I am now living with my brother, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go from here.  I do know that my relationship with my husband is over.

Anyway, this was much of the reason for my slump.  I’m an emotional eater, and there’s nothing like a failed marriage to kick that into gear.  Once I got off my diet, I didn’t have the motivation to keep working out.  This quickly turned back into me spending all day on my computer again.

I’m trying not to think of this as a failure, but as just a rough patch.  After all, I don’t want to lose weight short term, I want to live a healthier life for the long run.  Which actually got me thinking, I don’t know if I was doing things the right way, going all or nothing.  I mean, to make such an extreme change, all at once, doesn’t seem wise.  Sure, there are some people who have to do things that way, but I’m starting to think that I’m not one of them.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my weight loss efforts of the past, and I’ve realized that they’ve all been dramatic.  I’ve been consistently good at dropping a large amount of weight in a fairly short amount of time, but I’ve completely failed at keeping it off long term.  I’ve been hovering in the 160 area pretty consistently since high school.  In the past, I’ve reasoned with myself that this must be the weight that I’m just comfortable at, but I’m not.  Not at all.  I’m not comfortable with how I look, I’m not comfortable with my body, and I’m not comfortable with the extra fat that I seem to be carrying everywhere.

So here’s what I’ve been thinking: maybe it’s time to try something new.  Instead of setting goals like “I want to be 120 pounds” or “I want to be in shape by December of next year” I’m going to set a new goal: I want to be healthy and happy with who I am.  That’s it.  Fairly simple goal, right?

I’m thinking the best way for me to go about this is in stages, seeing as the do everything at once plan hasn’t worked for me in the past.  And I’m looking for all around health and happiness, not just weight loss.  So I’m starting small.  Right now, I’m getting into the habit of taking better care of my skin.  Seems like a small, stupid, vain thing, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do.  I’ve always had dry skin, but in the past I only would use lotion if my skin got bad.  I didn’t see the need to make it a daily thing.  But shortly before Matt left, I decided that I was worth those extra ten minutes of pampering each day.  And it’s amazing how something so small could help so much.  I feel better about how my skin looks and feels, and I know that I always smell good without smelling like I bathed in perfume.  Small, stupid step, but I’m happy about it, and it’s one I’ve kept up for over six months now, and that I’m going to keep up in the future.

I think that’s what I need to change my life around, a series of small, stupid steps that will, eventually, equal up to a bigger change.

I’ve been trying to decide what step to add in next, and how to add it.  I’ve been thinking about adding in one of my exercise DVDs once a week (like I said, small steps) and going from there.  Maybe after awhile I’ll start exercising twice a week, but who knows.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself.  I want this change to be permanent, so if that means that it’s going to be a few years until I’m to the point where I was this past summer, then fine, I’m okay with that.