173

So apparently I lost two pounds between today and yesterday.  I doubt it’s anything more than water weight, though.

Yesterday I sort of dropped the ball.  I made chicken and cheese quesadillas, and ate way more than I should have.  I’m trying to reason with myself that I’m not technically starting the diet until Sunday, that right now I’m just easing myself into it, but that’s just a crock.

I found an app on my iPod last night.  I put in my height, weight, and activity level, and it’ll tell me how many calories to eat each day to maintain that weight.  Then I put in what weight I want to be, and when I want to be that weight by, and it’ll tell me if it’s possible (it’ll even tell me whether it’s dangerous or not), and how many calories I need to cut back to to get to that weight by that time.  Then it tells me how many calories I’ll be able to eat to stay at that weight when I get there.  So that was very helpful.  Apparently, it’s quite possible for me to get down to 120 by December, 12.  And that’s at going through 1400+ calories a day.  So maybe I’ll be able to get down to 120 by Thanksgiving time.

The thing that worries me, the last time I weighed 120 I was at the height of my bulimia.  I don’t know if I should be itching so to get back down to that.  I mean, yes, it would be wonderful if I could get down that low in a healthy way, but I don’t want it to become an, “Oh, I have to weigh this amount” issue.

I think that as long as what I eat is healthy, and that I’m full from foods that I know are good for me, I’ll be less tempted to get it out of my system.  The thing that scares me is what happens if I go and eat something that I shouldn’t have?  Or what if I get down to a weight that I’m happy with, but I start to pack on the pounds again.  The last time I had a real strong urge to purge (which sounds funnier than it should) was when Matt took me to Red Lobster.  I loved the food, and I was so full, but as I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I so wanted to just turn around, walk back into the stall, and bring everything back up.  Matt wouldn’t know, and I knew I could be quiet enough that the hostess wouldn’t hear me.  The thing that stopped me?  A young woman came in with her kid to change the munchkin’s diaper.

Every once in a while I’ll have thoughts like that.  But what happens if I get those thoughts after I’ve lost the weight?  I mean, I wasn’t big when I started.  I only weighed 135, and I was a size 10.  I guess I’m just scared, and I’ll have to trust myself to be strong enough not to give into any temptations I might feel.