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Alright, so this morning (after lots of futzing about, and a few minutes of wanting to chuck my scale out the window) I got on the scale to record my body fat percentage.  If you’ll remember, when I first stepped on the scale, my BFP (as it will hence forth be referred to) was 40%.  This morning?  38.8%!  *dances about*  I know that’s not a huge drop, only 1.2%, but still, it’s something!

Lose It! is still proving very helpful.  I’ve gone onto the website, and there’s so much more on there.  Mainly, the other people trying to lose weight.  I know there are other people at work who are doing this weight loss challenge, but they don’t seem as serious about it as I am.  And Matt’s trying to lose weight as well, but he waffles between being serious and not.  And anytime I talk to him about my weight loss, he wants to know what I weigh.  I just don’t feel comfortable telling him, not yet.  I know he’s my husband and I should be able to tell him these things, and he’s seen me in my all-together, so it’s not like the numbers should matter, but they do to me.  I think it’s more of my insecurities.  And I know a lot of it is based on how I see myself.

Matt has a habit of if a larger woman walks by, he’ll say something like, “Damn, she’s big.”  And it always hurts me, because often times these women are around my size, or at least the size I see myself as being.  I’ve voiced this to him, and he always says the same thing: “You are no where near that big.” 

I know I don’t see myself clearly.  I look in the mirror, and all I can focus on are the lumps of fat.  The rolls that peek out from between my arms and my bra strap; the roll of fat right under my bra, on top of my ribs; the way my love handles poke out over the top of my panties; the way my stomach always creases right at my belly button, as if to make room for all the fat; and the way my thighs bulge and touch half-way down, even when my feet are hip width apart.  I’m so blinded by what I see as the faults, that I can’t see what Matt might find attractive.  And I know this needs to change.  I just don’t know how to change it.  I hope that when I lose the weight, I’ll be happier with what I see in the mirror, but what if I’m not?  I never was before when I was tiny.  Last time I lost weight though, I looked in the mirror and was so giddy because my stomach was a little flatter.  For the first time, I went to the mirror, looked at my body, and smiled.  I hope it’s like that this time.