Master Cleanse, day six

I would kill someone for a cheese burger. I'm actually having to talk myself out of buying a box of White Castle burgers and scarfing the whole thing. And the Cleanse isn't winning by a large margin. I can't even go into my kitchen because I just want to eat everything. It's not that I'm hungry, I just...I don't know. 

I was at work last night, and there was a display of cupcakes, buy one get one, near my register. And I could see myself buying the cupcakes. And eating one whole six pack in a day. And I knew it would make me feel terrible, and that it wouldn't even taste like anything after awhile, but I still wanted them. Want them. 

All this makes me wonder if I'm ready for this. I'm getting a better idea of why I eat, but I don't fully have it yet, nor have I dealt with those issues. I'm not about to throw in the towel, but the fear is still there. 

Oh, and I haven't lost weight. I think I'm the only person who can do the Master Cleanse and not lose weight. 

On the upside, my skin is nice and dewy, which it never has been. 

The Master Cleanse, day four

So I've been doing the Master Cleanse in an attempt to do a few things. I want to lose some weight, of course, but that's just a bit of it. Mainly, I want to get myself primed (more mentally than anything else) for the change in my diet, I want to get all the caffeine out of my system, and I want to work towards kicking my sugar addiction. 

I haven't been hungry, but I'd kill someone for a cheese burger. And fries. Cheddar fries. And a shake. (Can you guess why I'm fat?) So I guess an unintended consiquence of this is that I'm realizing some of the reasons why I eat, even when I'm not hungry. Boredom, when I'm upset, to celebrate--these I knew. But I'm starting to realize some of it is loneliness.  I'm lonely, so I assuage that with McDonald's. I tell myself that it's nice that I'm alone, because I can eat these things I would never eat in front of someone else. I don't have to bother hiding the bags of mini Reese's, isn't that great? So since I'm gonna be alone for a while longer yet, what with school and work, I need to find other, more productive ways to deal with these feelings.  I'm also trying to think back and figure out if this was part of why I put on the weight in the first place. 

So I know I've said this time and again, and that this blog has become a testament to my yo-yo dieting and weightloss over the years, but I'm going to turn over a new, healthier leaf this year. Starting with this Master Cleanse, followed by a modified 4-5 day juice cleanse. Then, since I need things that are quick and mostly premade, I'm doing a modified Slim Fast diet: Shake for breakfast, sandwich or wrap for lunch, salad for dinner. Two snacks (thinking almonds and a cheese stick or yogurt), something small and sweet after dinner, and a high calorie meal once a week. Once I drop 30 pounds, I'm dropping the shakes and modifying my diet so that I'm getting 1600-1800 a day, which is what I'll need to maintain my goal weight. Hopefully this one will work for me. Wish me luck!

The progress so far

If we can call it that. I haven’t exactly stuck to my exercise schedule I so carefully planned out. And by “haven’t exactly,” I mean not at all. However, I have done something else, something that means surprisingly more to me: I’ve cut my portions back to more normal sizes. I haven’t been denying myself, like I typically do with diets; if I want a brownie, I make brownies, but I cut the pan into 16 pieces (which is what the box labels as servings) and freeze 3/4 of the pan, taking out 1/4 at a time. And I’ve exercised a few times, but it’s been because I wanted to, not because I felt I had to. And, surprisingly, I think I’ve lost some weight. I’m not going to get on the scale for a while yet, but if I had to guess, I’d say about 10 pounds, give or take. And you know what’s funny? I’ve noticed more of a difference in my body with those 10 pounds than with the 40 I lost before. I know logically that there was more of a difference with the 40, but I never saw it. This, this I’m seeing. I’m hoping that means that whatever switch needed to flip in my head is in the process of flipping, that maybe I am finally on the path I need to get healthy.

Step one

So today was my weigh in and measurement day. I have eight weeks of workouts planned out, but I might go in and alter them. As it stands right now: I’m doing C25K Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; some kind of strength training on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays; and either yoga or Pilates on Saturdays. However, I’ve been having a lot of problems with my legs the last few days. I don’t know if it’s the shoes I’m wearing or what, but by the end of my shift in the mornings, I’m all but limping. My legs are so sore, from my ankles, to my calves, to the backs of my thighs. I’ve even had a hard time getting up the stairs to my apartment the last couple of days. I still want to do the C25K, but I’m thinking I might need a day of recovery afterwards until I figure out what’s doing here. So strength training might be swapped with yoga, or just nothing at all, for a week or two. I need to start learning that it isn’t all or nothing. I think that’s where I’ve gone wrong in the past a lot: I come up with this detailed, elaborate plan of attack, and if one little part of it goes wrong, I get discouraged and just give up entirely. We’ll see.

Anywho, starting weight and measurements. I’m going to stay away from both for another eight weeks, since that’s another thing that’s gotten me down in the past: it’s so wonderful when the numbers move down quickly, but when they don’t budge, or creep at a snail’s pace, it’s discouraging. So, here’s where we’re starting things this time (hopefully the last time) around:

Weight: 186.2
Chest: 45
Waist: 42
Hips: 43
Arm: 13.25
Thigh: 25
Calf: 14

Daily struggles

I’m thinking I’m back on the wagon…I hope. Four days off, but I haven’t purged since Monday. Binging is another matter, but that’s been an issue of mine for years. I’m going to talk about the whole thing with my therapist tomorrow, see if we can’t start working this thing out, so I don’t end up in this situation again.

On the upside, I planned out a 16 week exercise schedule to start after finals. I’m going to get back with the Couch to 5k app, see if I can’t get running for half an hour by next semester. I’m also working in some strength training and yoga/Pilates on my days off. Maybe, hopefully, this time it’ll stick. I am so tired of not being able to look in the mirror, of hating what I see there each time my eyes do slip.

However, as I write this, I keep thinking about this article I read today. It was all about how once a person is fat, they can’t lose the weight and keep it off. It’s something like you’re 25 times more likely to survive a gunshot wound to the head as to keep a significant amount of weight off. Not very encouraging.

Set backs and change

It’s been almost exactly two years since I last blogged. A lot has happened in that time. I started working full-time overnight, I’ve moved again, gotten divorced, and started back at school again. Full-time work, full-time school, doesn’t really leave time for exercise, not that I’ve been doing much of that anyway. Pair that with in my previous apartment I couldn’t really keep food in the fridge and had to eat out a lot (and on my budget, that meant fast food), and I guess it’s not surprising that my weight is back up there again.

But I think it’s more than just that. I mean, I’m back to eating crap and doing nothing. I’m in therapy, but instead of dealing with all of my feelings there, I’m back to eating them. This week is a wonderful example. I’ve been seeing this guy. This week was a week of huge drama, and I broke up with him. So now I have my guilt and worries that maybe I didn’t do the right thing weighing on me, and I’ve been dealing with that in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Plus I have buy-one-get-one coupons. The other day I used one and bought two of the chicken McWraps. 430 calories each. I ate both. I also ate four ice cream bars (180 each). 1580 calories in one binge, that’s more than my daily limit. Anyway, a few hours later I woke up with the mother of all stomach aches. And so what did I do? I broke 8 and a half years of recovery and went into the bathroom and purged. I live alone now, no one would hear me. And my first feeling was one of relief: now at least some of those calories weren’t going to my ass. Yesterday I went back to the drive-thru three times because they were so busy. I don’t know why I didn’t just quit after seeing the line the first time. Anyway, yesterday was another McWrap (430), a Big Mac (550), a large fry (500), a large Sprite (280), and a little over a third of a package of Oreos (980) and a glass of milk (95). 2835 calories. Most of it went down the toilet.

I just…I’m so ashamed of myself. First off, there’s no damn reason for me to be eating all that food. I’m on a budget, it’s a waste of money. So to be going through all that, then to only throw it back up is just bullshit. But also, it’s been so long, I’ve been in recovery for so long, and I go and blow it like this. And the thing, it’s more appealing now than when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I was just doing it because I wanted to go from 130 to 115. Now it’s more about control. I lose control by eating all this crap. But by bringing it back up, I’m taking control back. At least that’s what it feels like. If I’m logical, I realize it’s all a lack of control.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I hate my body, and right now I’m not very fond of myself for falling off the wagon like this. I’m depressed and cranky, and on top of everything, now my throat hurts from all the vomiting. I need to kick my own ass back into gear. And I know I shouldn’t put it off, but I keep thinking…finals are next week, I can deal with this after that. We’ll see how that goes.

Every little step

I’m trying to make myself realize that just because I stumble, doesn’t mean I should throw in the towel. I’m human, and while at times my resolve is strong, there are many times that it’s hardly there at all. I will make mistakes, there will be days that I will give in to my desire not to exercise, and there will be days that I give in to the temptation of food. But I can’t let that define me.

I think I went on about this last year too, but I don’t think I was very good at seeing it through. I kicked myself for all I ate on my birthday for weeks. Of course, that was a terrible day all around, and by that point I already knew my marriage was holding in by a thread. And instead of saying to myself, “Well, I have the gumption to walk a mile or two, I might as well take it,” I decided to just do nothing, since I didn’t have the will to do something that would burn more calories.

Yesterday, in fact, I wanted to walk. I didn’t think I’d be able to go far, but it was a nice day. What did I do? As I was laying in bed, looking out the window, I told myself that I wasn’t going to walk, it wasn’t enough of a calorie burn. I would just have to get myself together and at least do some Turbo Jam. After I finished this sudoko. And guess what I ended up doing. Nothing. And I ate a slice of pizza. Add to all that, last night was crazy stressful at work, and I ended up eating three Milk Duds, and three squares of Ghiradelli chocolate. But I didn’t say, “You know what, I’ve fallen off the wagon, that’s it, I give up” like I have every other time. I had a salad when I got home, got up and walked this morning, and I’m back on track. And I lost two pounds this week (even though I’m up one from Wednesday). So I see this as a win.

Sometimes people amaze me

I’m sitting here in Subway, working on an entry for this lovely blog that I’ve been plunking away at, and I’ve been half listening to this woman talking to the manager about how she wants to lose weight. She’s been walking, but while the way down her street is fine, the way back up is terrible; she needs her inhaler at least three times on the trip back up. And she wants to lose the weight around her middle, make breathing easier. Okay, great. If she wants to lose weight and is going to do fast food still, she’s in the right place. She places her order for her sub, gets roast beef, extra meat, extra cheese, and “lots and lots of mayo.” Seriously? Does this woman know nothing about weight loss? Dime to dollar, she goes home and eats the whole thing, all 12 inches of it. Let’s say about 500 calories of bread, 300 calories of meat, 300 calories of cheese, and probably about 500 calories of mayo. That’s over 1600 calories for lunch alone, and she wonders why she’s not losing weight. As an older woman, she probably shouldn’t even be eating that many calories a day if she wants to maintain her weight, forget losing.

I’m not saying this to be mean to this woman, it just gets me how few people know how what they eat effects their weight. People don’t understand that you can’t just go to a “healthy restaurant” and eat whatever the hell you want. It’s like they think that if something is advertized as being good for you, you can eat as much of it as you want. And then they get confused when they still are gaining weight, or at least aren’t losing it, and after the confusion comes the frustration, and then they say screw it, and give up. I’ve been there dozens of times.

On the complete opposite side of the scale, I have a friend who every time she wants to lose weight, she plans to eat once a day, a max of 500 calories a day, and exercise enough that it could qualify as a full time job. When she told me her “diet plan” I wanted to beat her.

The thing is, I’ve been a member of both these camps. I’ve figured that since it’s a salad I’m eating, it must be good for me, forget the fact that it’s drowning in a thousand calories of extra crap. And I’ve tried the weight loss plans that involve working out five times a day and starving myself. Obviously, neither has worked.

When I graduated high school in 2004, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to go to Cazenovia College, get my bachelors in Criminal Justice, find a school I liked just as much to go get my masters in Forensic Science, and finish off with my doctorate in Psychology. I was going to move to New York City, join the NYPD, work in the forensics lab for a few years, before heading off to Quantico to join the FBI, where I was going to work as a forensic profiler. I had my entire life planned out until retirement at the age of 16. However, when I started actually taking a Criminal Justice course, all those plans crumbled around me. I hated it. My life was thrown up in the air. What was I going to do?

My next thought was maybe I should teach high school English. English was always a strong subject for me, and I was very good at tutoring my friends. But I was thrown a curve ball. Matt asked me to drop out of college, only for a semester, so the time apart wouldn’t damage our relationship. And, being young and in love, and thinking naively that I’d be able to get back into school easily, I said of course.

Here I am, almost 25, with only a year of college under my belt. And to think that in high school, I was one of the bright ones that people thought was going to go somewhere. All this time I’ve regretted that decision. I’ve thought time and again that if I had said no, maybe I’d have graduated, maybe I’d be somewhere teaching snotty teenagers Shakespeare and helping them prep for their SATs. But the more time that passes, the less I believe that teaching high school kids is what was right for me. I don’t know that I would have dealt well with the students that didn’t want to learn. I’ve never doubted that I could do wonders with the students who felt like I did about English, who wanted to be there, were excited to talk about the latest reading, and who devoured each new book with gusto. But I had to face the facts that most students wouldn’t be like that.

I’ve spent the last several years bouncing back and forth with what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Maybe I wanted to be an ultrasound tech. What about a math teacher? I could be an editor at some publishing house. Or maybe an accountant at the main office of the grocery store where I currently work. Then last year, when I was doing all my research about how to lose weight, helping Matt with his diet plan, and debunking common nutrition myths for my family around the dinner table, I had an idea: maybe I could be a dietitian. I kicked it around, checked out the courses offered by one of the local colleges, but pushed the idea aside again when things went south this summer.

But today the idea cropped into my head again. I was at a workshop that I signed up for to improve my interview skills so I could maybe get a job at a bank. It was a huge step for me, seeing as I hate change with a passion, and my life has been nothing but change since June. But, I figured I had out grown my current job, and that it was time for me to start moving on to bigger and better things. So I was sitting in this workshop, one of only two people, listening as the teacher is talking about how if we get licensed in something, we’ll be more hirable. He’s going through all these online certificates that the state will help pay for, and how we can find which ones will be best for us to think about through an aptitude test, and I got the tiniest tickle of a thought in the back of my head. Maybe…. I take my test, and I’m told—again—that I would be good working with the public, assisting the public. Another tickle. I start to scroll through the jobs they suggest. And low and behold, what’s on the list? Registered dietitian.

I’m going out of state on vacation next week, so I won’t have time then, but as soon as I get back, I’m going to see if I can make an appointment to shadow a local RD for a day. Get a chance to talk to him or her, get their views on the job. But if this is something I decide I want to do, I’d be able to help people like that woman in the Subway today. I could teach her that things need to be done in moderation. I could help people like my friend, who think that starving themselves and working themselves into the ground is the way to lose weight. And I could help people like me. Girls recovering from eating disorders who just want to like what they see in the mirror for a change.

For the last almost six years I have resented Matt for asking me to make the choice between him and my future, as much as I tried to swallow that fact down. I resented him for being selfish, and I resented myself for not being so. But today, for the first time, I admitted that maybe it was for the best. If I had said no, if I had gone back to school, who’s to say that I would have found what I wanted to do? I might not end up wanting to be an RD, but I know for sure that I would have been unhappy teaching high school kids. And that would have been thousands of dollars in student loans down the drain, or at the very least spent to make me miserable. So, even though I preach it all the time, I am forced to admit that everything happens for a reason, and though we may not see that reason now, and we may not see that reason ten years in the future, it’s out there. We just have to believe.

So yummy

One of the apps that I have on my iPod is called Spark Recipes. It’s all kinds of healthy recipes that include their nutritional information (although according to the Lose It! recipe section, the soup I made is off calorie wise). I found this yummy yummy soup, and decided to share. It’s super easy:

2 15.5 oz cans of black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 14 oz can of low cal, non fat chicken broth
1 cup of chunky salsa

Heat everything together, throw it in the blender, and blend till smooth. The recipe said that it made six servings at 122 calories each. By the time I was done cooking, transferring the soup into the blender, then out into bowls, I was left with five, one cup servings. And, according to how Lose It! broke it down for me, they came out to 177 calories each. Still, not bad.

While it was filling for only a cup of soup, it wasn’t filling enough to make a whole meal out of (and I often just have soup for a meal). I’m thinking though, paired with a salad or a sandwich, it would probably be perfect.

The more things change…

So here I am, a year from when I started this blog. It’s amazing to look back, see what’s changed, what hasn’t.  Last year I thought that I would be at my goal weight by now; 120 pounds and shopping for a bikini to wear this summer. Let’s just say, that’s far from the case. When things started going down hill between Matt and I, I went right back to food. I’d buy a cake large enough for six people at the bakery, just because I wanted the pseudo comfort that the chocolate gave me, and it’d be gone in two days. Sometimes less. I’d buy a doughnut at work on my break, then sometimes two after work. A half gallon of ice cream would be gone in no time, I was buying several a week. I realized as I started packing the pounds back on that for all my talk, all I was saying about how I conquered food, I had the tools to not only lose the weight but to keep it off for good, I realized that all was bull shit. And that unless I fix the root of the problem, the reason I keep turning to food, why there are times that I want nothing but high carb, high fat foods to help me heal whatever the hell is wrong with me, my weight will keep yo-yoing. If I’ve proven anything this last year it’s that sure, I’m good at taking the weight off in a short amount of time, but keeping it off is my issue. And I’m tired of going back and forth.

The thing is, I don’t know how to get to the root of those issues. I’ve no idea where to even begin. I get that I’m self sabotaging, I do that in almost everything. When I was in school, I’d wait until the absolute last minute to do my homework, sometimes not even doing it at all. When I was in college, there were several nights that I was up all night writing a paper the night before it was due. With my bills, I often wait until they are far past due until I pay them, even though I’ve been walking around with the money to do so in my purse for weeks on end. There was one month I had over six hundred dollars in my wallet, three shut-off notices on my desk, and rent was late. And the thing is, I don’t understand why I do this. I know it’s stupid. I plan things out so that I can get things done well in advance. I had my taxes completely filled out this year the day I got my W2s in the mail, but I didn’t file them until April. Even though I needed the money.

I’ve got Jillian Michael’s and Bob Harper’s books on hold at the library, hopefully they’ll have some insight for me. In the meantime, I’m hoping that maybe my rambling between here and my private journal at home will help shed some light on the situation. Because I want to fix this. I want to live a happy, healthy life.

So we’re doing the Well@Work thing again this year. It’s been four weeks, and I’ve lost 13.4 pounds so far. Down to 164.4 from 177.8. And I’m hoping that by trying to actually focus on fixing whatever makes me procrastinate and turn to food the way I do, that this will be the last time I say that. Fingers crossed.

Difference this time from last time, I’m not being quite so strict. As long as I exercise most every day, I don’t kick myself if I don’t feel like working out one day. I figure I’ll just burn out if I try to keep that up long term. And I’m not being so strict on my calories. I’m just trying to stay between 1200 and 1500, going up closer to 1800 on my high days.

So here’s to fixing myself as a whole, inside and out.

Day by day

So I haven’t yet added in any exercise, but I plan to do that today.  And my original plan of taking things real slow got a major shake up.  My best friend is planning a trip to North Carolina this summer to look at houses (she’s moving there end of summer, early fall), and she’s invited me.  So I’m going to be spending my 25th birthday on the beach (yay!), which means bathing suits (boo!).  I’m still sticking with the idea of not setting a goal weight (as that just tends to put pressure on me), I just want to be as comfortable as I can be.  I’m not planning on being bikini ready, I’m sure I’ll end up in a one piece and a sarong, but I don’t want to spend the whole time thinking that I look like I’ve been beached.

I bought a bunch of yogurts so I have things to munch on when I’m hungry, some fresh fruit and veggies, and a few things of SlimFast.  I’m not really sure how I feel about that.  On the one hand, it feels like cheating, on the other, I don’t see why I’m being so hard on myself.  I really don’t have the money or the time right now to spend on making full, healthy meals.  And besides, if I were to go that route, I would be freaking out over calories, and I don’t want that added pressure right now.  I figure replace two meals a day with shakes, have healthy snacks when I’m hungry, and eat a healthy meal for dinner (I’m not even going to bother counting the calories, I know approximately what’s what).  We’ll see how this works for me.

In the meantime, I’m worried about my sleeping habits.  When Matt and I first separated, I would spend most of the night up; I just couldn’t sleep without him there.  So I would be awake until 3, 4, sometimes 5 am, crash, and sleep until after noon.  Eventually I got to the point where I could sleep without him there, but I’ve still been up until after 1 most nights.  Actually, most nights I’m up until about 2:30, at which point I take a sleeping pill if I’m still up.  Thing is, I don’t want to become dependant on them.  When I don’t take them though, if I have a lot on my mind (which I usually do), I end up getting fitful sleep, tossing and turning, and waking up at the crack of dawn and not being able to fall back asleep.  Like last night (today?) for example: I went to bed at 2:30ish, was up and down most of the night, and woke up at 5:30.  Now I can’t get back to sleep.  I know this is terrible for me, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Trying a new thing

So, as I’m sure some of you have noticed, I have been absent for quite a while.  I stopped exercising, went back to eating crap, and started to pack the pounds back on (though how many I’ve packed, I’ve no idea; I’ve been avoiding the scale).  And even though I know I shouldn’t have, I feel I have a reason for letting my new health regime slip to the back burner.

Seeing as I was using this blog as a kind of cheap therapy, I might as well let it all out, or at least some of it.  This summer, my marriage started on a downward spiral.  Actually, if I’m totally honest, it started long before then, this summer was only the tailspin. I’m not going to go into the details, but I am now living with my brother, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go from here.  I do know that my relationship with my husband is over.

Anyway, this was much of the reason for my slump.  I’m an emotional eater, and there’s nothing like a failed marriage to kick that into gear.  Once I got off my diet, I didn’t have the motivation to keep working out.  This quickly turned back into me spending all day on my computer again.

I’m trying not to think of this as a failure, but as just a rough patch.  After all, I don’t want to lose weight short term, I want to live a healthier life for the long run.  Which actually got me thinking, I don’t know if I was doing things the right way, going all or nothing.  I mean, to make such an extreme change, all at once, doesn’t seem wise.  Sure, there are some people who have to do things that way, but I’m starting to think that I’m not one of them.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my weight loss efforts of the past, and I’ve realized that they’ve all been dramatic.  I’ve been consistently good at dropping a large amount of weight in a fairly short amount of time, but I’ve completely failed at keeping it off long term.  I’ve been hovering in the 160 area pretty consistently since high school.  In the past, I’ve reasoned with myself that this must be the weight that I’m just comfortable at, but I’m not.  Not at all.  I’m not comfortable with how I look, I’m not comfortable with my body, and I’m not comfortable with the extra fat that I seem to be carrying everywhere.

So here’s what I’ve been thinking: maybe it’s time to try something new.  Instead of setting goals like “I want to be 120 pounds” or “I want to be in shape by December of next year” I’m going to set a new goal: I want to be healthy and happy with who I am.  That’s it.  Fairly simple goal, right?

I’m thinking the best way for me to go about this is in stages, seeing as the do everything at once plan hasn’t worked for me in the past.  And I’m looking for all around health and happiness, not just weight loss.  So I’m starting small.  Right now, I’m getting into the habit of taking better care of my skin.  Seems like a small, stupid, vain thing, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do.  I’ve always had dry skin, but in the past I only would use lotion if my skin got bad.  I didn’t see the need to make it a daily thing.  But shortly before Matt left, I decided that I was worth those extra ten minutes of pampering each day.  And it’s amazing how something so small could help so much.  I feel better about how my skin looks and feels, and I know that I always smell good without smelling like I bathed in perfume.  Small, stupid step, but I’m happy about it, and it’s one I’ve kept up for over six months now, and that I’m going to keep up in the future.

I think that’s what I need to change my life around, a series of small, stupid steps that will, eventually, equal up to a bigger change.

I’ve been trying to decide what step to add in next, and how to add it.  I’ve been thinking about adding in one of my exercise DVDs once a week (like I said, small steps) and going from there.  Maybe after awhile I’ll start exercising twice a week, but who knows.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself.  I want this change to be permanent, so if that means that it’s going to be a few years until I’m to the point where I was this past summer, then fine, I’m okay with that.

Day 97

Weight: 149
BFP: 36%

I seem to have hit a plateau.  *sigh*  Figures that this plateau would coincide with my motivational slip.  Pair that with computer troubles all this past week (I about went through withdrawal not having access to the net beyond my iPod) and some issues going on with my personal life, and this has not been a fun time for me.  I don’t want to get into what the personal issues might be at this moment, but they could potentially hinder my weight loss efforts for a while.

I am trying to baby myself through this lack of motivation.  I don’t want to force myself to go all out, as I know that that will only end up with me sitting in front of the TV eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s.  I’m keeping with the eating right and sticking to walking at the moment.  I’m hoping that when I sort things out with the rest of my life, that I might have the energy to find the motivation I need to do more.  And hopefully the plateau will break.

Day 91

Holy mother of God, it’s fricking hot!  It’s hotter here than it is in Florida.  And I don’t do well with the heat.  I’m just sort of laying in bed, sweating buckets, drinking even more.  I like to think that my body trying to keep my temperature normal is burning enough calories that I don’t need to be up moving around.  I’m going to go for a walk after dinner, closer to sunset.  I might even go after sunset, just do more loops on a less traveled, better lit route.  Even after sunset, it’s only supposed to get down into the high 80s.  Ridiculous.  I’d buy an air conditioner, but almost every store in the are has sold out.

I bought a new work out top.  This one has smaller straps in a halter-like style, so I’m hoping that my tan lines will look more normal.  Right now I have tan lines in the shape of a wife beater.  Not cute.  Actually, I’m surprised I’m tanning at all, normally I just burn.

I still haven’t come up with a refined work out schedule yet.  Right now I’m mostly walking.  I think I have Friday off, so I’ll sit down and try to work something out then. 

Day 90

Weight: 149
BFP:  36%

So my day off yesterday was great.  Matt and I went to see Eclipse, then came home and snuggled in front of the TV.  I have no idea how many calories I ate, nor do I really care.  I ate what I wanted, but I ate in moderation.  I had a good time, and I wasn’t freaking out over how many calories I ate (like I did on my birthday).

I’ve been thinking about this day off/high calorie day thing.  I think it’s something that I need, so I don’t go nuts trying to lose weight.  So I was thinking about how to do it, and I think I came up with a plan.  I’ll only take a day off on special days:  holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day), my birthday, and our anniversary.  Not sure if I want to do this for both anniversaries (marriage and dating), but I have a year to kick it around.  That’s 8 free days a year, don’t think that’ll kill me.

Day 88

So I was thinking about things, and I decided to take a day off today.  I’m not putting anything in Lose It!, even though normally I would say add it in and deal with being in the red.  But on my birthday I was so freaked out about being over, about seeing that number, and I totally stressed over it.  My high calorie day turned into a high stress day as well.  I’m not over doing it, though.  I had a yogurt with some cereal stirred in for breakfast, a Lean Pocket for lunch, and a ham and Swiss wrap for dinner.  For my snacks I had some low fat ice cream and a doughnut.  Honestly, I’m probably under calorie today. 

I’ll probably do the same tomorrow.  It’s my sort of anniversary.  Five years ago tomorrow, Matt asked me to be his girlfriend.  We don’t officially celebrate it any more, as we’re married now, but we’re going out to see a movie.  I’m not big on movie snacks, but if I want to have a small popped corn, I don’t want to freak out over it.  I’m trying to find a way that I can make this sustainable, because I do not want to gain the weight back again, and I still have more I want to lose.  So if that means that I have to take a couple high calorie days to reset and de-stress, then so be it.

Day 87

I’m starting to really lose motivation, which worries me.  I’m still eating right and working out, but not as well as before, and now it’s more out of obligation than anything.  I weigh 20 pounds less right now than I did when I graduated from high school, which is great, and it makes me feel like crap for losing the get up and go.  *sigh*

Day 86

So the final weigh in for the 8 week challenge was today.  She thinks I probably will win for the store, lord knows how I’ll place for the whole thing.  I hope I at least make the top 50, making the top 25 would be great.  I know I placed 8 in my zone, but who knows how many total people were participating, and how many are in the whole thing.

I need to look at my workout schedule tomorrow, rework things.  I also need to look at my calories.  I was so hungry all day today and yesterday, and that’s not right.  The one thing I can’t stand is being hungry all the time.  Well…that and being in pain.

Day 85

So I kind of took today off.  I was just so tired, and tomorrow is due to be worse.  Typically I change tills through out the night and only have one at 9 that I have to do, as I’m supposed to be out of there by 9:30.  Tomorrow, though?  Tomorrow is a 9 to 9 day, which means that the store promises that every drawer will be open and running from 9am to 9pm.  And this means that I have at least 6 drawers to change after 9.  And no idea when I’ll be leaving the store.  *sigh*

Tomorrow’s the final weigh in for the first 8 weeks.  Wish me luck!  From now on I won’t have to be weighed at work until December.

Day 84

So today I slept in.  Didn’t get home until almost 3.  And eating wasn’t as bad yesterday as I feared.  I went to Burger King, got the Whopper Jr. without cheese for 340 calories and the apple fries, which were 25 (I threw the caramel away).  Then I went to Wal-Mart, got some of that dark chocolate that I love and some gum, threw the gum and four pieces of chocolate in my purse (I only ended up eating two).  I had a small Diet Coke at Burger King, and two jumbo Diet Pepsis at the theater (most of that was drank while waiting in line for six hours).  I almost got a small bag of popped corn (just under 500 calories), but a girl in line behind me bought a bucket and offered me some.  I had a piece and realize that it wasn’t what I wanted.  So yay!

Today I’m just going to go out for a walk.  I work in the new store today (4-11, eek!), and between being opening week, the Wednesday before the 4th of July, and being in a huge tourist town, it’s probably going to be a busy night. 

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with my MWFs.  One reader suggested that maybe I was running too fast, but I doubt that was the case.  I more trot than ran, but I don’t know.  I might try again Monday, this time with a different route, see if that makes any difference.