So here I am, a year from when I started this blog. It’s amazing to look back, see what’s changed, what hasn’t. Last year I thought that I would be at my goal weight by now; 120 pounds and shopping for a bikini to wear this summer. Let’s just say, that’s far from the case. When things started going down hill between Matt and I, I went right back to food. I’d buy a cake large enough for six people at the bakery, just because I wanted the pseudo comfort that the chocolate gave me, and it’d be gone in two days. Sometimes less. I’d buy a doughnut at work on my break, then sometimes two after work. A half gallon of ice cream would be gone in no time, I was buying several a week. I realized as I started packing the pounds back on that for all my talk, all I was saying about how I conquered food, I had the tools to not only lose the weight but to keep it off for good, I realized that all was bull shit. And that unless I fix the root of the problem, the reason I keep turning to food, why there are times that I want nothing but high carb, high fat foods to help me heal whatever the hell is wrong with me, my weight will keep yo-yoing. If I’ve proven anything this last year it’s that sure, I’m good at taking the weight off in a short amount of time, but keeping it off is my issue. And I’m tired of going back and forth.
The thing is, I don’t know how to get to the root of those issues. I’ve no idea where to even begin. I get that I’m self sabotaging, I do that in almost everything. When I was in school, I’d wait until the absolute last minute to do my homework, sometimes not even doing it at all. When I was in college, there were several nights that I was up all night writing a paper the night before it was due. With my bills, I often wait until they are far past due until I pay them, even though I’ve been walking around with the money to do so in my purse for weeks on end. There was one month I had over six hundred dollars in my wallet, three shut-off notices on my desk, and rent was late. And the thing is, I don’t understand why I do this. I know it’s stupid. I plan things out so that I can get things done well in advance. I had my taxes completely filled out this year the day I got my W2s in the mail, but I didn’t file them until April. Even though I needed the money.
I’ve got Jillian Michael’s and Bob Harper’s books on hold at the library, hopefully they’ll have some insight for me. In the meantime, I’m hoping that maybe my rambling between here and my private journal at home will help shed some light on the situation. Because I want to fix this. I want to live a happy, healthy life.
So we’re doing the Well@Work thing again this year. It’s been four weeks, and I’ve lost 13.4 pounds so far. Down to 164.4 from 177.8. And I’m hoping that by trying to actually focus on fixing whatever makes me procrastinate and turn to food the way I do, that this will be the last time I say that. Fingers crossed.
Difference this time from last time, I’m not being quite so strict. As long as I exercise most every day, I don’t kick myself if I don’t feel like working out one day. I figure I’ll just burn out if I try to keep that up long term. And I’m not being so strict on my calories. I’m just trying to stay between 1200 and 1500, going up closer to 1800 on my high days.
So here’s to fixing myself as a whole, inside and out.
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