Day 29

I have an announcement to make:  I, Miki, completed my first day of C25K training today, and I survived.  I’ve never been able to run before.  Through most of high school I wasn’t even cleared to run because of my back.  First I was taken off swim team, then I was completely restricted in gym class.  All I was allowed to do was walk.  My senior year I got a new orthopedic specialist, and he cleared me for all gym activity.  I survived volleyball, badminton, basketball, and our free month where my best friend and I did Pilates from a tape during class.  I even took archery, and actually was able to hit the target nine times out of ten by the end.  But it was when we started the track unit that I thought I was going to die.  For some reason the teacher thought it would be a brilliant idea to have us run a mile, cross country, right off the bat.  So here I am, all pleased because I’ve been cleared, and there are actually people behind me.  Maybe two minutes in I start wheezing and have to stop.  I walk a ways, fall behind, start running again.  100 feet from the finish line I collapse, in a full blown asthma attack, laying there in the grass struggling for breath, and everyone’s running by me.  No one can leave till we all finish, and at this point everyone else is finished, so everyone starts yelling at me to get a move on.  I manage to stumble over the finish line and pant out to the teacher that I need to go to the nurse for my inhaler.  She just rolled her eyes and told me to go.  The next day I went to the doctor and got myself cleared from the track unit.

So the fact that I actually finished the first day is so huge for me.  Granted, I only ran for a minute at a time, and the last couple times were more difficult, and I really should have brought my inhaler with me, but you know what?  I finished.  That’s all that matters to me.  I’m hoping that by doing the C25K training, I’ll be able to finally run.  I’m hoping it helps strengthen my lungs, because they’ve been getting worse.  I’m hoping to finish this program, then start the Bridge to 10K after I’m finished.  There’s a 10k run/walk in October I’d love to run.

I’ve been looking at the C25K program for a while now, and had decided that I’d try it when I hit my half-way mark (27.5 pounds lost).  Then yesterday I was watching Biggest Loser on Hulu (yes, again), and I saw Michael run 5 miles.  Michael, the guy who started the show weighing in at 526 and at the time he ran was 350 something.  I was thinking, this man weighs more than twice what I do, and he’s running.  What’s my excuse?  So this morning I downloaded the app, the first app I’ve ever paid for, and started my training.  Yay me.

Yesterday I had a squee-worthy moment.  Matt comes up to me right before I leave for work, looks me up and down, and says, “Damn, you’re getting skinny.”  I could have died happy.  Only one other person has ever referred to me as skinny, and he had two 400 pound daughters and thought his 250 daughter was a twig.  So, yeah, big moment for me.

Day 28

So today’s a little weird.  Today I’m writing before my exercise, not after.  Why, might you ask?  Oh, because my husband decided that after five years of waking me up before he leaves, he would choose the day that I had something I needed to tell him not to.  So because everyone he knows seems to be unlisted, and we don’t have any of their numbers on our white board, I have to walk up to his friend’s house, hope that they have the phone number of the place that he’s working, walk back, and pray that they answer.  Because when my boss wrote the schedule this week, she didn’t have anyone in the office for half an hour.  So I have to go into work an hour early.  And we have only one car.

Oh, did I mention that it’s a six mile round trip?  Yeah.  Good times.  At least it’s not raining.

So last night I bought a blender so I can start making smoothies.  I think I’m going to look at a few smoothie recipes so I can grasp the basics, then I might start making my own.

This is odd.  I’ve never been much of a cook.  Baking, sure, I could bake like you couldn’t believe.  When my brother was in grade school, I made chocolate chip cookies for him to sell in their bake sale.  They were the first to sell out, and the teacher sent him home for more, even though there were other chocolate chip cookies there.  And I’d tweak those recipes, make them my own, but I never made up a recipe.  And I’d never even tweak a cooking recipe.  So for me to be doing this, and with health food none the less, is just bizarre to me. 

Day 27

If this morning was any indication of how today’s going to go, I might as well drag my ass back to bed.  First, I couldn’t wake up.  I had to drag myself into the bathroom to start my day.  That hasn’t happened for a while.  Then when I was doing my Pilates, I remembered that I need 30 minutes of moderate activity each day, or activity that changes how I breathe.  Even if I can count the Pilates, I still need ten more minutes.  And then when I was trying to get my breakfast together, I kept knocking the cereal box over.  I must have dumped at least a cup and a half onto the floor.  *sigh*

I forgot to mention that yesterday was the first official day of the Well at Work challenge.  I got all the points I could yesterday, but I sort of had to work to get the fruits and veggies in.  I mean, by the end of the day I was more than there, and I’m sure I was underestimating my values (the paper says we need 5 or more cups, I go mostly by ounces).  I think a lot of that was because I over slept again and missed one meal (I had breakfast and dinner, cut lunch).  I made up for the calories though, with all that fruit.

Matt and I got a bag of mandarin oranges when we went shopping the other day, and I think I might have to go grab another bag.  They’re only 50 calories each, packed with vitamin C, and are very versatile.  I ate a bunch of them as is yesterday, but for supper I put them to good use.  For supper I started with 3oz of spinach (approx 2 cups), added a pealed and segmented mandarin orange, half an ounce of cheese, and a Tbsp of sunflower seeds.  Atop all that I added a salmon patty, and squeezed the juice from one mandarin orange over everything instead of dressing.  It was yummy.  And it didn’t make me sick again, so added bonus. 

Day 26

Weight: 162
BFP: 38.7%

So I’ve lost 2 pounds and .1% of my body fat this past week.  That’s not so bad.

Last night was…difficult for me.  The tacos were great, but I had no idea how filling they were going to be.  Matt and I each ate two, when one was more than enough.  I should have listened to my first instinct and just stuck with one.  I don’t think there was anything wrong with the tacos themselves, because Matt was fine.  So I don’t know if it was just that they reacted badly with me, or that I ate too much, or what, but I got so sick.  I tried laying still, walking around, chewing mint gum, drinking mint tea, I tried everything I could think of, and still I felt like I was going to throw up.  Around the second hour of this I started to worry about food poisoning.  Yes, 
Matt was just fine, but I’ve always been more sensitive to these things.  I wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, I only knew that I seriously thought I was going to be very sick.  So I did something I promised myself years ago I would never do again.  I made myself sick.  I brought up about half the meal, and that was enough to make me feel better.  But at the same time, I felt terrible.  The entire time I kept asking myself why the hell I used to do this voluntarily every day, a few times a day.  And while, yes, there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that kept saying, “Well, you’ve done it now, might as well finish the job,” mostly I kept thinking, “Please, for the love of god, let this be the time to bring up whatever’s making me sick so I can stop.”

I don’t know if this means I’ve relapsed or not.  On the one hand, I was sick.  I suffered for hours before I used purging as a last resort.  And I left much of the meal on my stomach, something I would have never done before.  There also wasn’t that sick satisfaction I used to get at the end, the, “That’s right, I did this,” feeling.  I’d completely forgotten about that until last night.  I used to be so pleased every time I threw up and didn’t get caught, so proud of myself, like I was doing something wonderful.  Last night I just felt dirty.  I still get that feeling of pride, though now it’s when I complete a work out, or eat something healthy.

In favor of relapse, however, there’s the fact that I did go into that bathroom and bring up what I had eaten.  I keep telling myself, yeah, I was sick, but was it because I ate too much?  If it is, then this is all my doing, and I just resorted to old habits to fix it.

But it’s not like I was all, “Oh, I ate too much, I’m going to gain weight.  I must fix this.”  I was under budget yesterday.  I ate too much, yes, but I didn’t bring up my meal because of that, I did it because I felt very sick and I was miserable.  I even tried going to sleep, hoping I’d digest while unconscious.  Didn’t work.

I feel like I’m trying to rationalize my actions to myself.  Maybe I am.  I just wish I could go back and change yesterday, only make a taco each for Matt and I, then put the rest away for later.  But you can’t change the past, only live with the consequences.

I feel like crap today.  I didn’t have the energy to complete my work out, so I basically dragged myself through it.  I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t have my full dinner on my stomach last night, or if it was from my lack of sleep.  I was up late last night thinking about what I’d done and what that meant for my recovery.  I guess I just have to pick myself up and move on.

Low cal tacos

I made low cal tacos tonight, and they were yummy and VERY filling. They're much more substantial than something similar you'd get at Taco Bell, and I'm sure the calories are fewer. Also, I made my own taco seasoning, so no extra salt and chemicals there. They came out spicy, but not too bad. I don't do well with hot food, and it had flavor, made my lips tingle, but didn't send me screaming for the milk jug. Plus, they were super easy to make, and not very expensive. I don't have children, but I could easily see myself making these with my 10 year old niece without much issue. Just please be careful if you are shredding your own cheese.

The cheese I used is 75% fat free, 60 cal an ounce. The tortillas are 121 cal each.

I was amazed that something that I not only cooked, but created a recipe for just by what spices smelled good together from the cupboard came out so yummy.  So, here's the recipe I came up with:

Ingredients:

1 large boneless, skinless chicken breast (aprox 8 oz)
2 tsp EVOO
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp dried cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
4 Tbsp salsa
2 oz low fat cheese, shredded
1 cup romaine lettuce, shredded
1/4 med tomato, diced
4 whole wheat tortillas

How to:

Cut chicken into large, even pieces. Combine spices and EVOO into non stick pan. Stir to combine. Add chicken, and stir to coat with spice/EVOO mixture. Cook covered over medium heat for aprox 7 minutes, or till heated through. Take off heat and transfer to plate. Using two forks, shred chicken to desired consistency. Return to pan. Toss to coat with any spice mixture that was still in the pan. Divide all ingredients equally onto the tortillas. Enjoy!

Serves 4
251 cal

Day 25

So I weigh in tomorrow.  Wonder what (if anything) I’ve lost.  On the one hand, I stayed within my limits, worked out, did all that good stuff.  On the other, I ate those damned cookies (which are now gone), totally screwed with my sleep schedule, and drank diet soda two of those days.  So I don’t know what to expect.

Next week I’m going to try to make two things.  I’ve been thinking, and I need to come up with some more low cal recipes that are yummy so I don’t get bored and binge.  I want to see if I can make a low cal quiche (using egg whites, 75% fat free cheese, and veggies) and low cal tacos (chicken, and maybe low cal tortillas).  I’ve also been thinking about a mac and cheese recipe I can maybe do, I’d stir broccoli tops in, maybe a few other veggies.  I’ll post any recipes I come up with.

Last night I was debating doing something special when I hit my half-way point (27.5 pounds).  I’m thinking about going to a local spa.  Don’t know for sure yet though.

Day 24

I am so tired.  I didn’t want to, but I’m going to skip my workout today.  I might do a couple laps around the house after my breakfast, but I won’t have the energy for much more.  I was stupid.  I got home at 6:30.  Instead of going right to bed and getting up at 1 (6.5 hours of sleep), I watched Biggest Loser reruns on Hulu.com until 9.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I know this is part of the reason why I’m over weight, and it has to stop.  Tonight I am dragging my ass to bed as soon as I get home.

On the flip side of the coin, I was so inspired by the people on that show, and it was only the second episode of the new season.  I’ve never watched Biggest Loser, though I caught the finale once when I was in high school.  I see two things when I look at those people:  I see the heartache I will face if I don’t change now.  And I see how strong and courageous I’ll have to be to make this change.  If these people can drop what I weighed at the beginning, I should be able to drop a mere 55 pounds.  And keep it off.  And for once be happy with my body.

I know I’ll never be a size 0.  Hell, I’ll never be a 4.  I know the best I can hope for is probably a 6.  This has nothing to do with how much I can lose, but with how I’m built.  I have wide hips and I’m barrel chested.  I didn’t understand this before, which I’m sure added to my illness.  I got to the point where I just couldn’t lose any more, and I was still 120 pounds and a size 7.  It pissed me off, confused the hell out of me, and I’m sure only made things worse.

I weighed 125 in this picture, and I thought I was huge.  All I could see where the bad parts: how my arms were flabby and my tummy had a little pouch.

I weight about the same in this picture as I do now (I was about 165, I believe), and this is what I never want again.  Forget the weight, forget the size, I never want another picture taken of me where I feel I have to put my arm over my stomach to try to hide it.

And finally, this is where I will never, ever be again.  I have no idea exactly what I weighed in this picture, as I stayed away from scales at all costs, but a few months later I signed up for the weight loss challenge at work for the first time.  And weighed in at 180.  I will never be there again.